(i'm sorry.)
I stared quietly at the piece of stone
I tried so hard. So incredibly hard to help him and keep him going but nothing was working. Why did nothing work?! We tried everything in book, but it didn't work. I felt like it was all my fault
Ben and I stayed friends and I helped through the process as best as I could, but anytime he didn't have any cigarettes he'd get angry and violent. He never hurt me, and even if he did I wouldn't care, but he'd threaten to hurt me or threaten to hurt himself. I couldn't live with myself if he ever hurt himself. But he did. Yet here I am
Despite us staying friends, we'd still do the occasional thing we did when we were dating. I'd kiss him to make sure he knew I wasn't leaving him this time, he'd kiss me to show his affection towards me, I'd hold his hand when things got hard, he'd hold my hand to make me feel safe and happy, I'd cuddle him to keep him
warm when he couldn't be bothered to get up and turn the heating on, he'd cuddle me when he was bored and just wanted to talk to me about whatever was on his mind. The most random things would come out of his mouth during these moments, but I treasured them because I knew I wouldn't have anymore like this. That's what hurt the most, we couldn't make more memories together
However my favourite thing we did together was lay on each one another's chest, while the other was sleeping or falling asleep. Ben would lay on my chest because he felt safe knowing I couldn't just get up and leave without his knowledge, but I'd never leave him again, and I would lay on Ben's chest so I could listen to his heartbeat. It was like my own personal song from him
But my favourite song didn't play anymore, my favourite song stopped.
Ben couldn't deal with it anymore, he was scared of every little thing, scared of hurting of me, scared of change, scared of the after effects of quitting. So he did it. He hurt himself and left me in this cruel world alone
That's the reason I stared quietly at the piece of stone, the piece of stone that had Ben's name engraved on it with a bouquet of Ben's favourite flowers in my hand and tears running down my face
