schizo // heathers

ten

TW: Suicidal ideation/suicide attempt

Veronica

I was deemed too emotionally disturbed to testify against JD. Which is a very weird way of just calling me crazy.

You are crazy, remember?

And not once have my parents brought up therapy.

You're not a teenager anymore.

Excuse me for feeling like one in my current living situation.

At least he was on his way to kill all of you with a bunch of illegal explosives. He'll go to jail for that, even if you can't testify about the murders or the rape and abuse you endured from him.

He'll admit to it.

He won't. He never admits to anything.

Emily's been sad. She says she misses him.

It's probably not very helpful that her mother spends all of her time inside her own head. You know you have to take care of your children eventually, right?

I just need a break.

It's been a month. Don't you even miss them?

I miss JD.

Of course you do! Because you're a fucking crazy person, just like him.

I am not.

You so are.

Shut up. I swear to god, if I could get rid of your annoying ass, I would.

You can.

How?

Take the goddamn pills, Veronica.

You said they're poisoned.

I lied. If you take the medicine, I'll go away. Eventually.

How do I make you leave immediately?

Kill yourself.

I could hear the evil smile in her voice. I saw her sitting at my big writing desk I used to love, still in that stupid kimono she wore to bed the night before she died.

I was killed.

I know.

You handed me the cup. And let's be honest here, you knew which cup had the Drain-O in it.

Bullshit.

The one with the Drain-O had a lid and was only half full. Your concoction of milk and orange juice was almost at the rim of the mug.

Whatever.

Don't you feel guilty at all? For killing me?

He convinced me to do it.

Then why were you writing about how you wish I was dead before you even fucked him?

Because I did want you dead, that didn't mean I was going to kill you.

But you did.

I did not.

Shut up and take your fucking pills.

I'm not going to kill myself.

You deserve to die.

I do not.

You do. You're a murderer who can't love anyone beside her abusive fucking husband. You don't even love your kids.

I do.

Prove it then.

Her voice sounded different. I looked over at her and she'd changed. She was me, except for the fact that I was still picturing the kimono robe. Now it was blue floral print, not red.

I'm not taking the fucking pills, Heather. Stop pretending to be me.

These are your thoughts. Let's be real, you've always thought about it.

I guess.

And I mean, JD's told you to do it countless times. He doesn't love you anymore.

He does.

He was going to kill you and your children to avoid getting arrested for abusing you.

JD loves me.

Then why would he be on his way to kill you? Why would he constantly hurt you?

He doesn't know any better.

He chooses to hurt you. You know he's had a couple other girlfriends. He's told you that he never hit them.

He's a liar.

And how do you know that he's not lying when he says he loves you?

I don't.

Well I do. He is. He doesn't love you. He loves controlling you.

Why me?

Because you're easy to control. You're persuadable and malleable. He molded you into who he wanted you to be.

Who's that?

His mother, genius. Remember how she went out?

In a building his father blew up.

JD said he tried to run in, that he wanted to die with her, remember?

What's your point?

He was going to give Emily the grace of dying beside her mother. Probably would have taken Chloe away and raised her alone. Emily would remember you, Chloe wouldn't.

Then why should I kill myself if I'm just going to hurt my children?

Because you're hurting. You feel so empty inside. There's a pit of darkness deep down in you.

It's always been there.

JD filled that hollowness. Without him, you're nothing. He always told you that.

I know. Maybe he's right.

No man will ever want you after the things he's done to you.

Those are more of his words.

You're damaged goods.

You're a cunt.

Maybe, but that means you are.

Whatever.

Just shut up and take the pills!

What used to be Heather and was now me kept screaming for me to take the pills. My life flashed before my eyes and I came to realize, it wasn't a whole lot of good. So I emptied the prescription bottle into my hand and swallowed the pills. Then I grabbed a bottle of vodka I had bought and took a swig of that. I fell asleep. At some point, I heard high pitched shrieking before I fell entirely into a blackness that was as gentle as silk.