One Flew INTO The Cuckoos Nest

Chapter Nine

It is coming. Cold as ice I feel it moving in my belly and bubbling in my throat. The cloaked monster has returned for another visit. My feet hit that cold tile of our room hard as I make a dash for the bathroom. See I'm hopin' that if I can chase it down with something hot, I can put it back to where it belongs deep inside me. I run to the middle sink and throw on the water but it's not warming up! Panic rises with the monster and I cover my mouth with both hands, pressing my palms down so hard I feel my teeth cut and my inside lips bleed. But it doesn't matter. It never does.

I watch, pathetic and weak, as my mouth is pried open and my hands pushed away. The black smoke I've come to know the past months flows in slow, thick, curls over the rim of my lips and to the white floor where is pools and rises into the figure I loath so much. I back away slowly but it only comes closer. I gulp, sweat gathering at my forehead as I look for an escape, but every time I turn my head the monster is there. Like a funhouse of mirrors, his reflection is all around me and suddenly there are 6 of them and they are all closing in. I want to scream, I really do, but there is no sound in my throat. No air in my lungs. No thoughts in my head other than one: I am trapped.

"You are a murderer." they shout all at once and I wince. Something isn't right. The monster has never spoken to me before and that voice... I swear I've heard it before.

"I-I didn't mean to do it..." I argue finally finding my voice as they start pushing me against the counter.

"Murderer. Murderer. Murderer." their chants are soft. Soft and deadly and agonizing and I lean against the cool granite for support. My hands cover my ears as tears streak my face.

"I didn't mean to do it!" I cry out.

"Oh you meant to." it says and suddenly there is only one in front of me.

"You don't know anything." I spit bitterly but I'm sure is sounds more like a choked sob than words.

"Oh no Ethan," the monster says and reaches its arms up to its cloaked hood. It drops the hood so for the first time I can see its face. "I know everything. I was there." he says his eyes meeting mine. It's like looking in the mirror.

I shake my head. "No... No. No!" I cry out as I fall to my knees. The monster is me. There is no other explanation. I'm a monster.

"That's right. Accept it you scum. You're a disgusting murderer and you're proud of it. You wanted to do it." he antagonizes.

"Stop, stop, stop!" I beg finding the strength to pull myself up and ball up my fists.

"You wanted to do it. Admit it. You wanted to stain your hands red in blood! You craved it! You're proud!" He sounds more and more maniacal and obsessed with every word like he himself has a craving for blood.

"No!" I shout and with all the force I have I throw a punch right to his face.

The mirror cracks showering broken glass into my arm and knuckles. Steam rises from the hot water running in the sink and I fall to the floor curled up in a ball as the aids rush in to see what has happened.

"What happened Ethan? Just answer me and this will be so much more easier." Doctor Baker looks tired and annoyed so I avert my gaze to my gauze wrapped hand.

Fiddling with the soft white wrap I reply, "I already told you! I got up to get a drink!"

"Yes, I know. Then what happened?" she asks for the millionth time.

"I don't know!" I lie. This lie I've repeated so many times I'm starting to believe it's true. Of course I can't. How could I forget the maniacal look on the monster me's face? Well, I can't. Simple as that.

"Okay, fine. When you're ready to talk please get me. Until then, why don't you head back to bed. An aid will be in with your pill in a minute." Doctor Baker sighs. I nod and get up heading back to my room.

I feel bad letting them give me the pills when I know I won't take them... but if I tell them I won't, they'll inject me instead. Lying is the price I pay to be myself in this place. When the midnight aid, Charlie, hands me my water and pill and leaves, I drink the water then get in bed. Reaching up I pull out the hole I made in Ricky's mattress and push the blue capsule in with all the others they have tried to give me.

They have changed colors a lot. I've had red and green and purple and black and white and they believe none of them have worked. Only, I don't think Doctor Baker is very convinced. Jenny didn't seem convinced after my first three fits but lately she hasn't said a word. I think she gave up.

It has been nearly a month since I've been on this ward and now a days Jenny is too busy nagging at me about reading my book again to even think of my pills. So I just read my book and talk with my friends and hang out with Jenny. I go to therapy with Doctor Baker and do the Ward activities and everything is good. Only, I can't help but feel that there is still something wrong, something I'm not quite getting. I guess that's why I keep reading. I'm hoping to get a clue.

With a sigh I lay back down and close my eyes, one thing I know is: I'm tired