One Flew INTO The Cuckoos Nest

Chapter Thirteen

Jamie always found it scary how I could be one person one moment and another the next. I always found it scary how I can be one person on the outside and another on the inside. It's not something I can help. I just have a terrifying ability to act, sometimes when I want to and sometimes when I don't. When I want to I actually love this ability, but there are times when my body grows a mind I know nothing about and controls me with out my okay. I'll black out and wake up and the next thing I know there's blood dripping onto the floor.

This past month with Jenny I've been acting an awful lot. Sometimes because I want to but other times because the pain I feel when I see her with Ryan is too much. Either way both times I keep track of my goal.

Jenny has stopped giving me suspicious looks and has genuinely accepted me as part of the group and Ryan thinks he's my new best friend. Today is an especially interesting day because it's pool day. I can't help but wonder if anyone will drown. I guess Jenny is right, I need to stop reading. Recently though, when I'm not acting I'm reading. It really annoys Jenny and although I hate hurting her it feels kind of good. Like a tiny wisp of revenge.

"Yoo hoo, Ethan?" Ryan says waving a hand in front of my face. I look up to him as my eyes come into focus.

"Yes?" I ask.

"We're all heading out here; you may want to grab your shoes." He smiles. He's so kind it's sickening but I bet it's all an act. It must be. I nod at his suggestion and slip on my shoes watching him sling a towel around his neck and an arm around Jenny as they walk toward the door. He's too tall for her. Too big. He's like a blanket that just diminishes her light. I can't even hardly see her anymore I swear.

I get on the clunky black bus last, taking note of the warning on the side that we are in fact from the ward. Maybe this is what my teacher meant about abnormality. It's hard to be different and enjoy it when the whole world's too busy pointin' it out to actually see your face.

It's been a while since I've actually seen the outside world. I imagine it's been longer for Jenny but she's too busy staring into Ryan's eyes like a useless drone to take in the city passing by out the window next to her. Big sky scrapers and bridges passing over dark churning water. At a red light I watch a woman bump into a man making him drop a folder full of papers. She just keeps walking as he kneels to collect all the scattered documents. Where I come from, that never would have happened. Everyone was courteous and kind in my town. But at the next red light a sense of deja' vu over takes me as I watch the same scenario play out again but this time with a suit case full of clothing. The looks on the faces of the men stay with me until we finally reach the pool.

Chlorine is sort of funny smelling. It's sort of clean but kind of sour. It almost smells green if that makes any sense. Regardless of all this though I love swimming pools. I haven't been allowed in one for a while though. See back when Jamie and I were still friends I was swimming in the deep end but when I looked down and couldn't see the bottom. Naturally I swam down looking for it but eventually it got too dark to see and I couldn't breath. They said if Jamie hadn't saved me I would have died down there.

"Ethan, come on! Why are you being so distant?" Jenny shouts throwing a ball at me and bringing me back to reality. I really just want to throw the question back at her.