Invisible String

Guidance

Matt pushes the hard oak doors open. A cascade of light from the stained-glass windows washes over the front pews. Specks of dust catch light as they drift in front of beams of dewy morning light. Old musk and incense fills your nose. You can hear the faint but urgent muttering of prayers. Hunched over figures with tight drawn lips and clasped hands. Few people were about as it was early. The church is still. Not an unnerving type of still but the stillness when one is in the presence of somethings special. Something sacred. The holding of your breath in exciting anticipation, not wanting to exhale and break the spell.

Catholicism to Matt was like that friend you don't always speak to, but your relationship was deeper than words and they always had a place for you in their heart. His faith kept him grounded, it made him feel like he had a purpose. He needed to believe there was a higher power up there. To give him hope that humanity wasn't really doomed. So, he could have something to hold on to. 

Matt's steps echo against the floors as he goes to sit down in the middle pew. He hears a steady but worn heartbeat as the bench creaks slightly and the person sits next to him. "What brings you here today, Matthew?" Father Lantom inquires. "Maybe I just wanted to be one with God this morning Father." He laughs. "Boy I know you better than that, things are never that simple with you. Please, tell me what's on your mind."

Matt leans against the sturdy back of the pew. He thinks of everything he would want to say out loud. The dialect and structure all woven together in a colorful ball of yarn. Spilling out of him, unravelling in a messy heap. He wondered what that would be like. To strip away all the masks and just let himself fall apart. To wallow. Maybe even feel sorry for himself a little bit. But you cant do that Matthew.

"Father, I rejected someone. They were particularly close to me, are close to me. I hurt them." Father Lamton nods in understanding. "What's the dynamic of your relationship? Are they a friend? Colleague." He pauses. "Lover?" and nudges Matt playfully. "Ha ha Father, very funny but um no. We're in a weird space right now, she's one of my best friends. But uh, its complicated. I think she wants it to be more." Father Lantom scrunches his face in concentration then startles in remembrance. "Matthew, I know you're a private person and your personal life is none of my business. However, I can't help but wonder if this person is that blonde girl who used to visit you here at the orphanage all the time." Matt smiles and gives in. "Yeah Jules, she's the one."

"Well, I have to say that young lady had a spirit. She was always prancing about; she was a dancer, wasn't she?" Matt nods. "Hmm. She was good for you Matthew. I know you don't like to highlight this, but we can never underestimate the power of someone seeing us for who we really are and deciding to stay anyway. That takes courage." He turns his body towards Matt. "And that girl Matthew, she saw you."

"Maybe that's the problem Father."

"How so Matthew?" Matt sighs and fiddles with his tie. "I know Jules has her problems; I mean so does everyone. But she's good. If I fully let her in, I'll corrupt that. Everything we have. Everything we had."

"I know she accepts me but. Ugh. God put the devil in me Father. You know I beat up guys black and blue until they cant stand and call it justice. But with that comes the small part of me that revels in it that feeds off it. I feel like Jules sight is jaded and she won't come to her senses until it's too late." Father Lantom rests his hand on Matt's shoulder. "Matthew... People with roles that involve high stakes deserve happiness. Marines have friends. I'm pretty sure gang lords do to. Everybody needs somebody."

"You're not a martyr son, we already have Jesus for that."

"It seems like you're afraid of your power, of yourself, of what your capable of doing.  But in a way that's a good thing Matthew. You think carefully about it, you want to use it in the right way. That shows that you too, are good."

Matt chuckles. "Are you endorsing the vigilante lifestyle Father?"

"I'm speaking to your spirit Matthew, the part of you that believes you have the ability to be expansive."

Matt rubs his palms against his knees and lets Father Lantom's words sink in.

"Does Jules need you right now?"

"She does, she really does."

"Then you have a decision to make. Continue on this path and keep to yourself, which I agree does have benefits and comfort. Or on the other hand, find yourself and how you really feel."

Matt frowns. "What do you mean Father?" he pats Matt on the back and stands. "Oh Matthew, I think you know. You just need to find your way to the answer."