Por amor al arte (Julieta x F!Reader)

Part 26

song used: tres semanas

Warnings: implications of abuse, self-hatred and use of knives. There's no blood, but the knife is there.

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You tried not to flinch as you dipped your feet into the cold water of the river, your notebook on your lap. Of the few things that you were able to rescue from your house, there was your song notebook. You were surprised it survived if you were being honest, but you hadn't cared at the time, it was just something from your old life to hold on to.

Now, however, it felt like extra weight, a stake. You had written those lyrics as a way to get over Aharhel's death, a way to keep breathing. But now, they also carried the memory of your brother, and it didn't feel right. Maybe it was the pain that now you had to include Karim, maybe it was just that you hated yourself.

It had been three weeks since your brother passed away and although you had gotten better at faking a few smiles from time to time, the truth was that the wound was still fresh and bleeding. The Madrigals had been endlessly wonderful to you and your daughter, never leaving you alone unless you asked and you were happy to see that Eliza was treated like any other grandchild. But you just...it was still difficult.

You were not alone, you had all those wonderful people, not to mention your beautiful Julieta, who had made it her mission to "return the favor", as she herself had said, and she rarely left your side. She had even decided to send Mirabel to deliver her food, so she could stay home with you. You appreciated it and a part of you loved her even more than you already did, but your heart ached too.

Because Julieta was being so delicate and strong for you, supporting you in everything, she hadn't even pressed you to have a conversation about your kisses (which you hadn't given each other except on a few occasions before bed), nor did she rush you to tell the rest of the family about it. You two hadn't even talked about what you were. She was being so patient with you, respecting your grief. But you had realized that, even though your love for her kept growing every day, you could no longer feel her warmth. It was strange, knowing that you loved her more than anything, having her by your side and still feeling so lonely and empty.

"She doesn't deserve to have a sad empty shell" you muttered angrily.

In your head, you could hear the brunette's voice scolding you for saying something like that. You had already lost count of how many times the older woman had caught you talking bad about yourself and had dragged you to the bed or the couch for a "love affirmation session", which was her way of saying "I'm going to hug and pamper you until you forget the sadness for a moment". Sometimes her daughters or her Pepa would join her (Mirabel and Camilo had named themselves the "Y/N protection squad") and you couldn't escape.

You really appreciated all those efforts, all that love. But you still felt like a part of you was missing, one that was never going to return.

This desire to hug you without having you

have my body shaking

For eternal is this time of not seeing you

and keep waiting for you

You shivered again, but not because of the water or the breeze, but because of the whole current of emotions that invaded you again. With your mind clouded with grief, you came to the conclusion that when you lost Aharhel, Karim had always been there for you, but now that he was gone, who could you find comfort in?

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Julieta sighed as she finished washing the last cup. Usually, she didn't mind taking on chores around the house (not that there were many when your house could literally clean itself), but the tightness in her chest hadn't gone away yet.