I would start a riot

Feel It All ~ May 2015

Dec rested a hand on Stephen's arm sympathetically as they pulled up outside their house, watching the other man keep his eyes closed for a few moments after waking up. He'd refrained from waking him from his impromptu nap when they'd dropped Ant off a minute or so earlier, giving him a little longer to feel like he didn't entirely exist in the reality they found themselves in.

"We're home, Stevie," he murmured as the younger man blinked heavily and shook his head as if that would help to clear it. Dec knew him well enough to imagine the chorus of voices echoing around his mind, an overwhelming cacophony of overthinking and worry.

Stephen followed Dec to the front door, his bag over one shoulder and Dec's hanging from one arm as the older man unlocked the door. Dec smiled to himself slightly, always surprised when Stephen still managed to do things for other people when he was so wrapped up in his own thoughts.

It felt even later than it was by the time they were upstairs, showering quickly before bed. Dec had gone first, standing under the calming hot spray for just a couple of minutes before drying off. As quiet as Stephen was being, he felt like he should be nearby, ready to hear any conclusions the younger man eventually reached.

He was sat in bed by the time Stephen came back from the bathroom, his hair still damp and curly. He followed Dec's lead, notably turning his phone off without looking at the list of notifications that Dec could see. He was glad he'd used Stephen's time in the shower to send some quick messages to both families to assure them that they were both okay, if not a little shaken up. An understatement, maybe, but also the easiest way to get that part of their world off of their backs, especially seeing as the rest of the world were unlikely to leave them alone so simply.

It wasn't until they'd switched the lights off that Stephen shuffled over to Dec's side of the bed, tucking himself as close as he could, one arm swung over Dec's chest. Dec entwined their fingers, feeling the beat of his own heart against his palm. It would be pointless to ask if he was okay so he didn't say anything, instead inhaling the faint remnants of shampoo in Stephen's hair.

"I wanted it to just be a bad dream." The first thing he managed was a whisper, one that Dec knew not to reply to. "I wanted to wake up here and find out it wasn't real."

Another second passed and Dec was grateful of the darkness and that intuition telling him he didn't need to respond. He couldn't, voice choked by an insurmountable lump. He could feel a hot track of tears disappearing down one cheek and soaking into the pillowcase.

"Thank you – for waiting until the end of the show," Stephen continued eventually, his thumb brushing over Dec's hand almost self-consciously, "I needed you there but... not while the show was still on."

"I know," Dec said quietly, forcing himself back towards composure. "I wanted to see you straight away too. I'm sorry you had to carry on after that."

"I've never heard the theatre so quiet."

Dec had tried to imagine how the in-person audience would have reacted during that two-minute break they'd cut to automatically, determined not to wonder how much longer the shouting had gone on for before security got to the man and stopped him. He'd wondered what the judges had done instead - if Stephen had tried to put a brave face on straight away and chat to them like he always did during the adverts or if maybe it had been easier to pretend to be busy. That would have looked quite transparent of course, given that Stephen communicated with the director and producer through an earpiece when he was in the auditorium, with only a small technical crew to film the interview with the judges.

"I'm surprised David reined himself in to be honest," Stephen said out of the blue. It seemed his silence had come to an end and Dec was more than happy to let him ramble until he was tired and ready to rest.