I would start a riot

A Heavy Atmosphere ~ June 2015

As soon as they stepped out onto the landing, Ant and Lisa both turned around from where they had been waiting at the top of the stairs. If he hadn't been so nervous, Dec would have laughed at the similarity in their expressions.

It was Lisa that vocalised what they were both thinking, coming over and unnecessarily adjusting first Stephen's and then Dec's bow tie. "No stressing tonight. We're going to enjoy it, okay?"

When Dec glanced at Stephen, trying to smile reassuringly, he was annoyed with himself to notice the very slight distance that had already grown between them. It wasn't as if it was a secret from any of the people in attendance after all; they had no reason to act any different to the other couples that would be there.

"Look a little more like you want to be here, Declan," Ant scolded jokingly under his breath as they headed downstairs. He was quick to follow-up with a small smile, rubbing Dec's arm gently. "It's going to be fine."

Dec nodded, smiling reluctantly and trying to do as Ant had suggested, dropping his shoulders and trying to relax his posture slightly. Ant patted Stephen's back as he moved past to catch up with Lisa, the grounding touch seeming to remind the younger man to do the same, tension ebbing a little.

"Ready?" Dec asked, reaching momentarily to hold his hand, squeezing briefly and then convincing himself to pull away. As much as he would berate himself for putting unnecessary distance between the two of them, too big a part of him still cowered at the idea of being so bold. It was best to be subtle; close but not too close.

"Not particularly," Stephen replied with a faint smile. It wrinkled his nose and Dec pushed down a wave of affection, tilting his head close enough to knock the taller man's shoulder. He was happy to exist in the ease of that moment for a little longer, if only to postpone the moment they joined the noise of the room at the end of the hallway.

As they had predicted, the presence of a camera crew kept any vocal opinions at bay. Stephen hovered dutifully at Dec's side, shaking the prince's hand with a smile when he was introduced and then noticeably letting out a breath as soon as the older man moved away. Dec only noticed it because he was in the process of expelling the air that had become trapped in his lungs the second Prince Charles had walked into the room. But, despite that, it was the first milestone checked off and he thought he could stomach the rest of the evening if he kept treating it like one big to-do list.

Before dinner, they stuck together as a group of four, moving between people they had met before and those they didn't recognise, undergoing the formalities that such an occasion seemed to require. Dec tried not to read into the poorly masked looks of some of the guests, eyes drifting between him and Stephen with an accompanying frown as if the person in question didn't quite understand.

He'd already found out about the seating plan for the meal when they'd had a tour earlier that day. Ant had joked about messing with it and part of Dec wished they had when he took his place on the other side of the table to Stephen, several seats down from him.

It was instinctual, the way he would glance in that direction constantly throughout the meal. He'd wondered earlier that day if the people around them had got more protective since the incident during BGT but realised that his own defensiveness had been heightened too. Before he would have berated himself for succumbing to a natural sense of mistrust or accused himself of jumping to conclusions, of over-reacting to something no one else would notice. But here, in a place that didn't feel openly welcoming, he didn't feel as guilty for the prickling sensation down his neck. It felt right not to relax in the atmosphere and for once he felt okay blaming the people around him for not doing enough.

Tolerance was an interesting word. It had always come attached to the LGBT community, advertised as something they were working towards. But it was a low bar to set, the word suggesting that people merely had to learn to put up with it, rather than accept it willingly. He realised, sat at the dinner table, that he didn't have a responsibility to brush aside his fears, cultivated over so many years of ignorance; it was the job of the people around him to be accommodating, to realise what had happened for so many years and do something to put it right.