I would start a riot

New Definition of Home ~ October 2015

Stephen was kept waiting for some time. Maureen got away with saying very little at the dinner table, saved by Chris and his pride, genuine enough to Stephen, even if it was clear he was accentuating it to save her from making an unwanted comment. It did nothing to still the waves of fear Stephen could feel crashing against his barriers though, no amount of positive attention managing to outweigh the potential of negativity from his mum.

Ever since Dec had sprung the proposal on him in the most fiendishly mundane way he could manage, a part of Stephen's head had been occupied with thoughts of this moment. He'd hated the voice that sprung up just minutes after Dec had got down on one knee, wishing he could let himself have one happy thing for once. It would be nice to have something that he didn't manage to tarnish with hypothetical scenarios and fears that had long since taken root in his head.

He'd thought of his mum's reaction time and time again. He'd imagined the look on her face. The expression had taunted him during the day and haunted his dreams at night. He'd only kept it at bay with happier thoughts, looking at Dec and remembering the glow of happiness when he finally answered the all important question with a whispered 'yes', sealing his fate completely.

Happier thoughts weren't going to put off the moment Maureen found out any longer though. They weren't going to stop her from eventually having a conversation with him.

"You both want to have it in Newcastle, then?" she asked as Stephen helped with the washing up. He let the towel in his hand drape over the kitchen counter, sighing at the unspoken hint of disappointment in her voice. He wasn't sure where it was aimed but it was uncomfortable nonetheless, especially when that was her first question – her first spoken reaction – to his news.

"It feels right," he replied honestly, still trying to figure out the tension in her rounded shoulders and the whisper of sadness in her expression. He wanted to explain without hurting her but it was hard to tell the truth without admitting things that were difficult to say to his own parents. So, he went with an explanation that worked as well. "Dec's got a big family and they're all up there pretty much. And there are some really nice places – quiet places. We don't want it to be a big deal – just something nice for the two of us and – and our families."

"Sometimes I think you've found more of a family up there than you have with us," she said quietly, sounding unhappy at the thought. Guilt clenched Stephen's stomach when he considered her statement and found himself agreeing with it. There was something easy about Newcastle – a lack of judgement that made his skin feel like it fit right and not as if it was about to slip at any time. There was no pretence up there – no fear. And probably now, at this age, he was stuck with an element of pretence and fear whenever it came to his own family. He didn't know how to lose it.

"Dec's family are lovely," he said evenly, starting to pick up the towel once more and finding a new plate to dry. "They've accepted both of us completely and I really appreciate that. But more importantly, they mean everything to Declan. Home means so much to him."

"It doesn't mean the same to you," she accused softly, still sounding unhappy rather than angry. Resigned too, as if she understood where he was coming from. That somehow made it worse.

"I love you and dad," Stephen mumbled, still wrestling with the bit that came next – the but. "Our family isn't like Dec's, mum. I've had to lie to all of you for so long and sometimes I still feel like I'm lying to some of you because I still can't be myself completely without" – he stopped himself before anything damaging slipped out, sighing instead – "That doesn't change the fact that we're family. It just – it makes it harder not to associate something negative with home."

"And neither of you have that in Newcastle," she finished, her pitch raising at the end as if it was a question even as a look of certainty settled across her face.