I would start a riot

Behind the Clouds ~ May 2015

Their day off brought a break in the bad weather and a final sunny, if not a little cold, morning. It was rare for Dec to drag himself out of bed early when he didn't need to be working but the appeal of the slightly damp ground and the total absence of other walkers had tempted him enough to goad Stephen into joining him on Rocky's usual walk.

If only that didn't invite questions from the younger man.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Stephen."

"I want to know," Stephen said patiently, tightening his grip of Dec's hand as if he expected him to turn on his heel and make a run for it, even if they were in the middle of nowhere. "Are you okay?"

Dec glanced around the deserted path before shifting closer to him, resting his head on the other man's arm. He sighed into the material pressing against his cheek, willing himself to be completely honest.

"It killed me, you know?" he murmured after some time, hearing the raw pain in his own voice, "Watching you and not being able to do anything. It destroyed me."

He felt Stephen sigh, surprised to feel a release of tension, as if he'd been waiting to hear the truth. Not that he didn't sympathise with the other man; there had been plenty of times he'd had to patiently wait for Stephen to stop keeping up pretences.

"You've done everything you can and more," he said eventually and he sounded so earnest that Dec's eyes started to sting. He wondered once more if he would ever be able to get away with hiding it.

"I wish I could do something else," he replied tightly, not needing to say that the something else he wanted to do involved time travel or memory erasing or another impossible feat.

Stephen came to a stand-still, holding fast to Dec's hand so he had to stop too. Dec walked reluctantly into his embrace, trying not to settle when Stephen's arms ensconced him in a warm and familiar hug. It was so hard to accept comfort when he felt like he should be giving it out.

"Rocky might run off," he said after far too short a time, trying to find an excuse to escape Stephen's grip. He felt Stephen's chin move over the crown of his head, glancing left and right.

"He's pissing in a hedge," he mumbled a moment later, waiting for Dec to huff out a laugh before following with his own. Dec felt slightly hysterical, helplessly amused by the mundanity of their day-to-day existence compared to this nightmare that was playing out for anyone in the country to see.

"Why do you keep trying to look after me when I'm trying to look after you?" The question sounded childish, petulant, the moment he asked it. Stephen chuckled momentarily again, although there was something less humorous about the sound now.

"You need looking after too," he said fairly, "And I can tell you're pushing everyone else away. You're only not pushing me away because you know how much I need you at the moment. And looking after you makes me feel better."

It was a simple enough explanation, one that Dec found himself accepting. It made sense and it relieved a weight from his shoulders that he'd been trying to ignore. He could certainly use some comfort and if offering that helped Stephen in the process, he would be mad to turn it down.

"Thank you," he whispered, not sure if Stephen heard him. Merely staying pressed against his chest for another few minutes probably conveyed the same sentiment after all.

He let his hand slot more naturally into Stephen's after that, basking in the peace and quiet that the other man now allowed to settle undisturbed. Rocky nosed ahead of them, exploring every inch of the hedgerow lining the path without a care in the world. Dec felt pointlessly, ludicrously jealous.