I would start a riot

In the Line of Fire ~ June 2015

Driving home that afternoon, Dec found himself being left with his own thoughts for longer than was comfortable. The evening before, in the light of day, was something he found harder to be amused by, even if some of it was laughable. He was left only with a bitter taste in his mouth when he thought about how much easier it had been, doing it with Stephen and not on his own, because that reminded him of the things he wasn't telling the other man.

He knew it would be easier to move on from the text message if Stephen saw it and said just the right thing and smiled in that slightly melancholy way that Dec found oddly reassuring, if only because it was honest and often a little helpless. He also considered the Martha situation all over again, unable not to wonder if Stephen was unhappy that they had never actually discussed it properly.

It took the duration of the car journey for him to convince himself that Stephen probably was unhappy about that or, worse, hurt that Dec hadn't trusted him. They'd been skirting around it for weeks and Dec had been withdrawing for no reason. Dec wanted complete normality, not the illusion of it with a layer of unspoken tension. He certainly didn't want to be the sole reason for said tension.

When they got home, it took just ten minutes of being back in their own, safe space for his walls to drop. He wanted to hold onto the good of the last couple of days, of the unity he felt from being somewhere that felt completely foreign with Stephen at his side. And he needed to hear Stephen say the same.

"It was alright, wasn't it?" he ventured tentatively, reaching blindly for Stephen's hand as if holding onto it would keep him from pulling away as they stood beside each other in the kitchen. "Besides the camera crew and some of the guests."

"Besides all that," Stephen echoed amusedly, "Yeah, it wasn't so bad." Dec felt him sigh and waited for something to puncture the good. "Are you really okay? I feel like that's the most – you­ that you've been since the finals."

Dec was almost surprised that he immediately picked up on it. Not actually surprised because it was Stephen and they'd spent far too much time together, but close enough to being surprised to feel knocked off-kilter by the accusation.

"Just got a lot on my mind," he replied vaguely, choosing to put the distance between them for himself, scared to shatter the momentary positivity and unleash everything he'd been thinking about. He mustered a smile on his retreat and aimed it firmly at Stephen. "I'm fine."

Stephen nodded slightly, looking unconvinced. And Dec waited for him to voice that uncertainty. "Can we talk about it for a second?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Martha as soon as I bumped into her," Dec said spontaneously, resigning himself to giving yet another explanation of his own behaviour. Stephen had every right to have questions though – every right to be annoyed – even if he merely reacted to the change in subject with a raised eyebrow. "I really am sorry."

"I know," he replied slowly, deliberating for some time. It seemed to give him a lot to think about but he eventually tilted his head, looking at Dec cryptically. "I thought it might help. I just want to talk about it."

"I get that you're pissed off..."

"I'm" – Stephen blinked, his mouth working silently for a moment – "I'm not pissed with you, Dec."

Dec sighed, slumping against the kitchen counter. He was so sure that the younger man was, he had every right to be, but almost wanted him to admit it. Maybe, amongst the many mistakes he'd made in the last few months, Stephen actually getting mad was an adequate punishment. "I know you are."

"I'm not pissed, Declan," Stephen repeated, folding his arms and then dropping them to his sides, not sure what to do with himself. "Just" – he pinched the corners of his eyes, hard, and took a breath – "I want us to talk about it because you haven't been yourself for a while. I thought that probably had something to do with it. And we didn't talk about it before because of the finals and – everything that happened."