I would start a riot

Let Loose ~ April 2015

It would be a lie to say Martha's voice didn't frequently echo around his head when he had a spare moment. It frustrated Dec endlessly to find himself less infallible than he had pretended to be for the last few months.

In public, he felt himself fighting not to shrink and avoid the attention that the pair of them sometimes got when they were out together. He did everything in his power not to alert Stephen to this change in his attitude. There was no use in both of them being camera-shy.

In private, he continued to keep quiet. Bumping into Martha was a one-off event that he handled badly due to that morbid sense of curiosity. He wouldn't do it again and what she said would fade from memory eventually, or else just leave a painless scar which would join all of the others he'd obtained from a lifetime of hiding a part of himself from the vast majority of people.

Time crept closer to the live shows for Britain's Got Talent and the airing of the audition stages brought a slight increase in abuse getting sent his way. He brushed it off, trying his best to shake off Ant's tentative concern whenever it was brought up. He didn't talk about it with Stephen – they had no reason to vocalise the slight sting that came with the comments they couldn't ignore. They both knew that the other felt the same and that nothing would change that fact.

"They're going to ask about you, aren't they?" Stephen asked out of the blue one evening. Dec lifted his head from its comfortable position against his shoulder, nose screwed up. He didn't like the apprehension in the other man's voice.

"It's Loose Women," he said matter of factly, hoping his own composure might rub off on the other man in preparation for his interview the next day, "So, probably."

Stephen sighed, making Dec's makeshift pillow deflate beneath him. He waited for the action to be justified with a predictable question. "What if it goes badly?"

"It won't," Dec replied patiently, trying to coax some confidence out of Stephen. That called for a bit of hypocrisy. "It's almost been a year. Can you still not let yourself breathe, pet?"

"Not really," Stephen said bluntly, although he sounded frustrated with his own certainty. "I just keep thinking it's too good to be true."

The fact that 'too good to be true' involved being outed with twelve hours of notice, weeks of media attention and some awkward conversations with family really highlighted how low Stephen had set the bar when it came to coming out. Dec was left feeling unexplainably protective, picking at a bobble of cotton in Stephen's jumper as he attempted to find an appropriate response.

"You've put up with enough to be owed an easier ride from now on," he said eventually. And overall, he did believe what he was saying. The Marthas of the world were few and far between compared to their supporters and he knew that they were overwhelmingly accepted. "You could make it even easier if you believed that we're alright. You've got me no matter what and the vast majority of people are either more than happy for us or completely indifferent. This can't be your thought process for every interview that could potentially involve me, Stevie! You'll burn yourself out."

"I'm trying," Stephen said quietly, although whether he was merely thoughtful or a little hurt was hard to gauge. Dec hoped it was the former, uncomfortable at the thought of making him upset by claiming a confidence in their status as a public couple that he didn't truly possess. "I suppose I don't know how to talk about you. I'm still used to constantly lying."

"We did that to keep ourselves safe," Dec pointed out, disliking his own pang of guilt that came with the thought of lying for so many years. No matter how many times he was told that it wasn't lying, that they were both keeping themselves safe, he would always feel guilty. "And you can talk about me however you want now. Tell them I still don't know how to cook. Tell them my mam asks after you more than me when she phones. Tell them absolutely nothing if you want - whatever you're comfortable with."