Charlie(mind) 4: please someone fucking help me

Settling Down

Captain Kirk got the transporters ready to beam the charliemind gang back down to earth after taking a short trip there at warp factor 3. "Well, here's your home planet, time for you guys to go back where you belong." Kirk stated as Scotty prepared to beam them down. "It's not our home planet, we don't have a home." Pyramid Head informed Kirk. "That's true, we've never settled down. Not even rented a shitty apartment. We've always been on the road, not at home, just there." Charlie agreed with a taut smile. "We've never had a home..." Endie echoed, eyes filled with the ghosts of past memories when he lived in the End with his parents, with a warm bed and home cooked meals. He missed it. "Well, ok, that was weird, you still came from earth so I'm going to put you back there." Kirk informed them, Scotty now ready with the transporters and waiting. The charliemind gang all exchanged glances and saw that earth was their only good option, so they got into the transporters in preparation to get beamed down. Charlie didn't enter the transporters, being too non-human in anatomy to use them, and instead just got ready to use his teleporting abilities to zip back to earth in the fraction of a second. "Ok Scotty, beam them down old pal." Kirk ordered with a smirk, and Everyone standing in the transporters watched as bright beams of glittering light appeared all around them, enveloping them. When the light dissipated, they were back on earth with Charlie, who had teleported down at the same time. The spot Kirk had beamed them down to was a grassy park in New York, and it was late evening so it was almost deserted. "Yikes, the transporter malfunctioned with Endie," Charlie said with a concerned grin, looking at the quivering purple inside-out mass lying where Endie should've been, "Sometimes the transporters malfunction and turn people inside-out." Charlie explained to the others, who had made it through without getting minced. "You mean that could've been any one of us?!!" Pyramid Head yelled. "Sheesh, relax, it's not a big deal, I've got my restoration gun!" Charlie said with a grin. "Charlie, you don't seem to realise that the restoration gun doesn't erase the horrific memories the person endures before eventual death." Pyramid Head replied flatly. "Yo mama." Gonzo blurted at a ridiculous speed, making Gru smirk. Charlie simply drew his restoration gun like a cowboy at high noon and pointed it at Endie's remains, firing a glowing beam of blue light at the pile of internal organs that was Endie. When the light faded, Endie sat looking dazed and mildly nauseous. He stood up shakily, cleared his throat and then announced, "I don't want to do this anymore. I miss my home in the End. I miss my parents. I miss having a stove and a bed and a kettle, but I can't go back to the End because the charliemind gang stick together. We're like a family."
"You're homesick. I understand." Charlie said. "No you don't! You're used to this, you and the others, you're used to living on the road, not having a bed, not belonging anywhere!!" Endie shouted, before suddenly looking guilty and saying, "I... I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"
"No, you're right," Charlie said sombrely, "We don't belong anywhere."
"Hobbit." Gru smirked. "Well, there's only one thing for it," Charlie chirped, returning to his usual service-with-a-smile-self, "We need to buy a house and settle down. You're right Endie, we are a family, and that's why we've got to get a family home to live in like normal, civilised people."
"Charlie, how the fuck are we going to pass as normal civilised people, let alone buy a house!! Look at us, Charlie!! Open your eyes!!" Pyramid Head yelled. Charlie surveyed each individual, eventually glancing at Gru, who had a swarm of flies surrounding him and a manic leer on his horrific face. "All we need in order to buy a house is money," The priest pointed out, "And I'm not sure if you remember, but after my bank heist, we've got plenty of that."
"The priest is right, buying a house is easy if you've got the dough, I've bought a house before so I've also got the know-how." Charlie agreed. "I also know how to buy a house, plus we're in New York, there's loads of housing here." The priest pointed out. "I know a place." Gru smirked, and suddenly they were standing before a great old gothic mansion with a big 'for sale' sign stuck in the grass near the front double doors. Charlie sniffed the air as everyone looked around bewilderedly and Pyramid Head yelled, "FOR FUCK'S SAKE GRU!!!!" After sniffing the air for a few more seconds, Charlie cleared his throat and announced, "We are now in Los Angeles."
"There's still lots of homes here! Take this fine mansion, for instance." The priest smiled. "I like it!" Charlie grinned. "Me too," Pyramid Head agreed, "Reminds me of home."
"You live in Silent Hill!! It reminds you of home because it looks decrepit!! I don't want to live in a haunted mansion!!" Endie shouted. "Shut the fuck up, whore." Pyramid Head snapped. "Yeah Endie, that was mean to insult Pyramid Head's home." Charlie agreed. "Sure, I insult it, but I lived there so it's like reclaiming a slur. You can't insult Silent Hill!!" Pyramid Head shouted at Endie. "Not cool." The priest agreed. "Douche!" Gonzo heckled at Endie. "Bottom feeder." Gru sneered. Endie blinked, swallowed, and then broke down in sobs. "Hello gentlemen." A voice said, and everyone jumped and span round to see a pale, well-dressed man with dark hair standing by the mansion smiling at them, puffing on a long brown cigar. "Who the fuck are you?" Pyramid Head asked. "I am the one trying to sell this mansion. My name is Mr Addams, me and my family used to live here but decided to sell it when we found a bigger, bleaker, and more foreboding mansion." The man, now known as Mr Addams, informed them. "How much for the mansion?" The priest enquired. "300,000 dollars." Mr Addams replied. "That's pocket change after my bank heist. Here," The priest said, handing Mr Addams a briefcase, "There's 350,000 dollars in there. Keep the change." Mr Addams opened the briefcase, smiled at all the dollar bills inside, took a blue infrared light out of his pocket and shone it at the money to confirm it was real, and then finally closed the case again and said, "Sold. Electricity and water bills are already paid for the rest of this month, we moved short notice, but you will need to pay those monthly."
"No problem." The priest smiled. "Did the priest just get us a house?" Pyramid Head asked. "I think it's gorgeous. It looks lovely and spacious." Charlie smiled. "Just sign this and the house is yours." Mr Addams said, handing the priest the deed to the mansion. The priest pulled a pen out of his pocket, skimmed over the deed, signed his name and then handed it back to Mr Addams. Mr Addams signed his name too, and then handed the deed to the priest again and said, "The deed, and the house, are yours. Enjoy your new beautiful home! There's a lovely view of the graveyard at the back of the house."
"It's beside a graveyard?!!" Endie shrieked. "I think that's cool!" Charlie grinned. "Oh yes, zis vill do nicely." Gru smirked. Mr Addams looked at Gru and said, "Say, you remind me of my brother."
"I bet there's a ton of ghosts in that mansion." Pyramid Head mused, feeding into Endie's paranoia. "Oh, there's hordes of ghosts in there. I can feel their presence due to being a demon." The priest added, fully setting Endie's delusion into something that would haunt (pun intended) him for months. Suddenly, something shot out of the sky and crashed into the garden of the charliemind mansion, sending dirt and rock everywhere and creating a huge crater in the grass. "What the fuck?!" Pyramid Head yelled. "It's too late to go back on the sale, by the way." Mr Addams informed them. Everyone peered into the crater to see a small spacecraft at the centre. The small, pod-like ship was in a bad way, singed from it's entry into earth's atmosphere and badly dented. The door to the spacecraft fell off and the xenomorph with the grid-like scars who they had first met on the submarine crawled out dizzily. "It's that fucking alien that bailed on us with Thrax and the predator," Pyramid Head shouted, "Let's kill him!!"
"Now, now, true courage isn't knowing when to take a life, but when to spare one." Charlie grinned. "I got bored of deep space with those two dreadlocked morons Thrax and the Predator, so I stole an escape pod and came back to earth to stay with my sister Six. She's got an apartment in LA. I wouldn't stay with her unless I had to though, she's a real bitch now that she's a queen." The xenomorph explained. "We've just bought this beautiful mansion, why don't you stay with us?" Charlie suggested with a warm smile, and the xenomorph grinned and said, "That would be swell!"
"No!! No!! We are not taking in any old strays from the street!! This asshole abandoned us!!" Pyramid Head shouted. "Forgive and forget, he barely knew us! Of course he was gonna dip!" Charlie protested, deciding to defend the alien. Pyramid Head sighed heavily and said, "Fine, whatever, but no more!!"
"So random xenomorph, what's your name? We gotta know that if you're going to live with us." Charlie said. "It's Grid." The xenomorph, now known as Grid, informed him. "Oh, because of the scars?" Endie asked. "No, because I'm a big fan of naughts and crosses." Grid replied sarcastically. "Ok, let's go and check out our new crib!" Charlie grinned as Mr Addams got in a black hearse and drove away. Pyramid Head climbed the few steps up to the two grand double doors that lead into the mansion, kicking them off their hinges and striding in. "Lovely decor." Charlie mused as he scuttled in after Pyramid Head, eyeing the two-headed taxidermy tortoise in the middle of the room with a grin. Gru forwards-rolled into the mansion, unfurled, screeched, "I smell dynamite!", and then sprinted up the stairs at inhuman speed. Gonzo bolted after Gru like a bat out of hell with a shriek of, "DYNAMITE?!! GIMME!!!" Endie crept in, still nervously hiding behind Pyramid Head because of the foreboding feeling of the house. The priest frowned at a fish head on the wall with a severed human leg protruding from it's mouth and said, "Well, you can't say it doesn't have character."
"I don't give a shit," Pyramid Head announced, "As long as it has a bed I can sleep in and running water."
"Let's go and claim our rooms!" Charlie grinned, and everyone sprinted up stairs in order to bagsie the best rooms. Pyramid Head shoved Grid over the stair's handrails as he ran, sending the xenomorph falling one floor down with a screech. Grid soon got back on his feet and zoomed upstairs so he wouldn't be stuck with the worst room. Once they had all snatched their desired rooms, some having to bunk up because there weren't enough for all of them, they settled downstairs in the macabre living room to watch TV. Charlie and Pyramid Head had had to bunk up, because Pyramid Head refused to share a room with Endie. "Sorry about you having to bunk up with the geometrical maniac." Grid whispered to Charlie. "It's alright, I'm a maniac too!" Charlie reassured the alien. "Oh, good. I thought you guys might've cancelled me for craving human flesh." Grid replied. "We all have our weaknesses. Mine are alcohol, weed, crack and smack." Charlie grinned back. "At least your ass is still fat." Grid pointed out triumphantly. "Naturally!" Charlie replied flamboyantly. "Ok, what do you bozos wanna watch?" Pyramid Head asked, returning from the kitchen with a bottle of booze. "Let Gru decide!! My master should be the television god!!" Gonzo shrieked, shuffling up right beside Gru until his face was leaning into Gru's grotesque, clammy folds. "Your clinginess is stifling." Gru sighed, and with that, Gonzo disintegrated on the spot, and then his ashes burst into flames. Everyone screamed and leapt up to avoid the fire, but it soon disappeared, leaving nothing but a black stain on the floor, the only trace of Gonzo. "He's... gone..." Endie whispered slowly. "Leaving us with six Charliemind characters! Not too shabby." Charlie replied with a nonchalant grin. "Good fucking riddance. With Gru's mania and Grid and Gonzo's unyielding hyperactivity, I was considering hanging myself in the hallway before I came back through." Pyramid Head stated flatly. "I'm not hyperactive!!" Grid snapped. Pyramid Head proceeded to pick up the remote and throw it, watching motionless as Grid commenced chasing it frantically like a dog, tail wagging and destroying things, and pull it out from under a table, destroying said table in the process. Grid brought the remote back to Pyramid Head, dropped it, and said, "So what? I crave anarchy?" Just then, Gru shot vertically up into the air like a nasa rocket launching and crashed through the ceiling, disappearing onto the next floor and leaving a gaping hole in his wake. "Fucking hell." Pyramid head sighed.