the boy next door /a.i/

chapter ten: alana

A Little Too Much - Shawn Mendes

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As soon as my eyes see daylight, I immediately want to shut them - and the world- out. For weeks - no months - this monstrous day has been looming in the back of my mind, like a rusty blade impaled inside of you, pinning you to the wall, with no one to help you and no chance of escape. June 7th; otherwise known as the day my mum died, the day my mum left us. No matter how much it hurts, I can't afford to let my dad, or anyone for that matter, see me cry. I had to be strong for him; I had to try with all my might to get him through today. I scowl as I see my reflection in the mirror, my brown eyes showing the only signs of pain on my face, and plaster on a smile, preparing to make the venture downstairs.

Before I'm even at the bottom, the smell hits me and I instantly want to scarper and hide beneath the bed covers. My eyes find my dad in the corner, tears flowing down his usually cheery face, the whiskey bottle smashed to pieces on the floor. Not now Lani, don't you dare cry, my subconscious warns and I take in a gulp of air.

"Dad?" I say, my voice trembling, "Dad, do you...are you okay?" I ask the most pointless question known to man kind. Of course he wasn't okay, even the most brainless of people could see that. He looks up at me, his eyes showing all the pain that I feel and he smiles a small smile.

"You look so much like her" is all he says, buts that's enough, enough to make my heart shatter. I can't even stay in this house, with him and all the memories that linger. Australia was supposed to be a fresh start, but anywhere I go, she follows. Before I can register what I'm doing, I've got a bottle of vodka in my hands and I'm knocking on Ashton's door.

What the holy fuck are you doing?, my subconscious screams, but I can't even answer that question. It was a stupid decision coming here, a really really stupid one, but all I can think about is how I felt when we kissed; how, even for a short period of time, I was taken away from all the pain of today. I hear the door open and I can't bring myself to look at him.

"Dave, I swear to fucking God, I will k...Lani?" his voice changes almost instantly and I can practically feel his eyes filling with concern.

"Lani, what are you doing here?" he questions, his fingers coming under my chin, forcing me to look at him. As I gaze up at him, I realise his right eye is violently bruised and his lips are bloodied and chapped. Was he hurt? I find myself instantly becoming worried, a million questions circling in my brain.

"Can we...can we go for a drive?" I whisper, preparing myself for disappointment. He doesn't say anything, but takes my hand and leads me to his car, leaving my fingers tingling in delight, even from such a small action.

We drive in silence, and I'm thankful he isn't asking any questions, many of them I don't have the answer to yet. Every so often, he sneaks small glances at me out the corner of his eyes and my heart swells every time. Stop Lani! I think to myself, you agreed on just friends. When the car finally comes to a standstill, I feel Ashton turn his body towards me, his hand coming up to put a few strands of my hair behind my ear.

"Lani, what's wrong?" he says, and instantly I feel tears brimming over my eyes, falling from my face. I pull my knees to my chest and find my self sobbing into them, images of her flowing through my mind.

"Lani..." Ashton says, placing his hands on my back in a reassuring manor. I feel myself leaning into him as his hand wipes away my falling tears from my face.

"I'm so sorry" I whimper, "You must think I'm such a freak"

"Don't say that!" he scolds "Don't ever say that! I could never think that" I prepare myself for the mountain of questions that are bound to come....but they don't, and I find myself thankful; he's letting me tell him when I'm ready, I realise and smile for the first time in what feels like days.

"It's the anniversary of my mums death," I say, taking in a gulp of air "She died last year of cancer; a brain tumour." Ashton stays silent, allowing me to go on.

"The doctors didn't think she'd survive as long as she did - they called her a fighter. I remember on her last day, she told me that she loved me and that she was proud of me; that I was the real reason she carried on. I just..." I feel the tears flowing down my face, replacing the tracks of the old ones " ...I just, I miss her so much" I can practically feel my heart breaking all over again, and the only thing keeping me steady is Ashton's hand, caressing my cheek.

"Is there anything I can do?" he asks me, a pained expression on his face. I don't know why, and I don't know how but I find my self crying out 'hold me' and suddenly I'm encased in his arms.

After what feels like hours, my breathing returns to normal and Ashton's arms unclasp from around me. He exits the car and takes my hand, leading me through a pathway enveloped by trees.

"This is where I go when I feel alone" he says without looking back at me. The place is extraordinary; the floor is carpeted by bluebells and the sky is a blissful blue - no wonder he likes it here. I feel his eyes trained on me as he watches me take in the landscape. I look into his hazel orbs, my eyes briefly flickering down to his rosy lips and before I can register what's happening, his arms are around me and our lips brushing together. I can feel a rush of electricity flow through me as his tongue runs over my lip, begging for entrance. A sensations runs through as he deepens the kiss and I find my hands slipping beneath his shirt, running them along his toned abs. He moans into my mouth and bites on my lip, making me mimic his actions. He grabs my thighs signalling for me to jump and I oblige without hesitation. My hands find his hair and I pull on his curls, earning a throaty groan from him. He pulls back, and looks me in the eyes, letting me down gently.

"You're so beautiful" he whispers and puts his forehead against mine. This is us, all passion and aggression and pain; but somewhere inside of him is a side that portrays love and affection, that is the side I crave to see.