She wanted to die.
He wanted to live.
•••
A hand grabbed onto my wrist, yanking me back just as the train rushed past, before I'd even had time to comprehend whether or not I'd carry out the action. I stumbled back into the person's chest, my hear...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
The timing of my realisation couldn't have come at a worse moment.
Of course I suppose I had realised how I felt before, but I don't think I had allowed myself to actually feel it – I don't think I had comprehended what it truly meant to find solace in the gaze of another and be understood by someone who would strive to always see the light, no matter how dim.
It was intense yet feather-light; an escapade of tumultuous flutters yet a warm embrace after being in the cold autumn breeze. Loving her was a paradox - an entity I hoped that someday I would be selfish enough to fully discover – but I was using all of my self-control not to tell her at this present moment and delay our demise a little longer.
Cassie was still glancing up at me patiently, tilting my head down to look at her while she cupped the side of my face, her light touch making me lose my train of thought as I focused on the complexity of emotions brewing within her hazel gaze – all while she was expecting me to give her an honest answer.
Several times, I had said that I didn't want to lie to Cassie; but now I didn't know how to look at her and not tell her I loved her.
I didn't know how to speak to her and not tell her that during our time apart I had realised why the aching in my chest seemed to ease whenever she was near; why my room didn't seem so dark when I saw the hazy greens and light browns arranged like a mosaic in her picturesque eyes. I didn't know how to acknowledge the epiphany that had hit, and accept that I couldn't supress the burgeoning feelings I had tried to stop from spilling over.
But maybe the reason why I didn't know how to be truthful with her was because deceit had been the foundation of all our encounters.
My attempt at morality by refusing to lie to her had fallen short the second that our realities had caught up together, and now that everything had been revealed, I wasn't sure how to interact with someone who didn't see me as a stranger.
It had been different during the night, because part of me had thought I would never see her again, so indulging in the warmth she exuded and basking in her smile and the sound of her laughter hadn't seemed so detrimental - until fate hit us with another surprise and waltzed us right back into each other's arms.
It had been fine to fall for her when we would never meet again, because at least then there would be no repercussions of my selfishness, and no internal lectures to myself about how I should have left earlier during the night when I knew she would be okay. Before she had come stumbling into A&E, it had been fine to admit that perhaps the reason I had stayed with her for so long was more for my benefit than hers.
It was now that she was actually here that my mind couldn't fathom how I was supposed to be responsible for all the destruction set to occur. It had hurt enough after the first time I had to leave her, and I wasn't sure how either of us would possibly cope when it all came crashing down.
