She wanted to die.
He wanted to live.
•••
A hand grabbed onto my wrist, yanking me back just as the train rushed past, before I'd even had time to comprehend whether or not I'd carry out the action. I stumbled back into the person's chest, my hear...
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Honesty wasn't always the best policy.
Mistakes I'd made had taught me that the hard way, after having to sit through myriads of breakdowns and comforting those closest to me as a result of me choosing to be honest. That didn't mean I lied per say, but rather I just didn't tell the entire truth.
Lying caused short term relief, the truth caused long term pain, but hiding information would cause neither.
As long as she didn't find out.
It was clawing at me from the inside, invading each corner of my brain as my subconscious screamed 'just tell her!', a continuous loop playing on repeat in the broken cassette of my mind. But my inner coward was able to halt the incessant recording, and help me evade the situation at the cost of my integrity and the preservation of her ignorance.
Cassie seemed to have dropped the matter for now as we strolled along the city streets in a somewhat tense silence, the cogs in her brain turning as she furrowed her eyebrows, her gaze darting to my lips every few seconds before staring back straight ahead. Despite her hand being enclosed in mine, she felt miles away, a distant glint in her hazel eyes that were swarmed with flurries of consternation.
Her hand felt heavy in my own, as though I was bearing the weight of her thoughts that she seemed to carry without even pausing to acknowledge how much it weighed her down. The silence between us was palpable despite any effort I'd made to clear the air, and the usual relaxed aura of comfort had been replaced with uncertainty and almost... awkwardness.
Whenever conversation didn't flow between the two of us, I found solace in the silence, appreciating the seconds to recollect my thoughts, whereas now, I hated it. Our dynamic had shifted to one of two acquaintances, as though we were back to being mere strangers after all that we'd been through.
"Cassie?"
Her head turned towards mine, her eyes trailing straight to my lips before snapping up to my eyes, the same conflicting look in her hazel orbs. In a futile attempt, she tried to mask her obvious fret, but the softness in her gaze and the way she bit the corner of her lip to stop herself from speaking was enough to voice her concerns even when she wouldn't.
"What do I have to do to fix this?"
Her hazel eyes blinked back unmoving at me, squinting together while she looked up at me, with perplexity apparent in her gaze. "Fix what?"
"This," I motioned at the space between us, a far cry from our usual proximity. Even though our fingers were intertwined it felt as though we couldn't be further apart, like an invisible divide had been placed between us, and yet neither of us were putting up any protest, "This weird sort of distance between us that wasn't there before; it's almost like we've become strangers again Cass..."
Hitting a little too close to home, this entire situation reminded me of a time that I'd rather forget: a time not so long ago that still haunted my memory, lingering within the walls of my mind, waiting to pop out at any minor resemblance to itself. It was like the first time I was allowed visitors, when neither of us knew what to say, or where to even begin after what felt like forever apart; within those walls, the smallest distance felt colossal.
