She wanted to die.
He wanted to live.
•••
A hand grabbed onto my wrist, yanking me back just as the train rushed past, before I'd even had time to comprehend whether or not I'd carry out the action. I stumbled back into the person's chest, my hear...
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I wondered how mentally sane people felt.
I wondered what it felt like to wake up in the morning and actually want to get out of bed, to see the sun shining and hear the birds singing and not immediately think of killing yourself. I wondered what it was like to make a mistake and not instantly think of death, or to get through a day without a panic attack.
I wondered how it felt to come home to happily married parents, and eat dinner together while you'd tell them about how your day went. I wondered how it felt to be close with your parents, to trust and rely on them to carry out their duty of care that they owed you for bringing you into this world. I wondered what a loving embrace from a mother felt like, or receiving a helping hand from a father felt like, or the feeling of making your parents proud of the daughter that they raised.
I wondered what it was like to actually be fine instead of faking it each day, genuine smiles and true laughter, rather than over-rehearsed retorts to every 'how are you?' thrown your way. I wondered what it was like to be mentally stable: to not have a breakdown at the littlest inconvenience and to not have voices in your head that critiqued your every action.
I wondered what it was like to be someone who wasn't me - someone who was okay.
"Do you know what the sad thing about all this is?" I questioned rhetorically, glancing down at Romeo as his eyes flickered back up to mine.
"Even if- when I do become okay... it won't be forever," I pointed out, a sombre sigh slipping through my lips as I wiped away the last of my fallen tears. "And it's so exhausting to try and try and try, to then finally reach a level of mental stability - and then have it all crash down again. And then the cycle will just repeat again and again and- and I just..."
"Don't know what the point is?"
I smiled wryly, nodding. "You said earlier tonight that life was like a game of Russian Roulette, right? We just go through pain in the hopes that the happiness will make our endurance worth it, and eventually when we do die, the thrill and excitement of the game will have made all the turmoil worth it."
But when was it supposed to be worth it? Because I've held a gun to my head, pulled the trigger and managed to survive a round of Russian Roulette, and yet I was still left reeling from the impact of the invisible bullet, clutching my head as blood spilled from the unseen mental wound.
"It might not seem like it now Cass, but it will be worth it-"
"But that's the thing Romeo," I let out a frustrated laugh, my hands going to my curls as I stepped back from the railing again. "Tonight I've been through so much pain - my whole life I've endured so much pain - and yet, no amount of hope, or joy, or transient happiness could ever amount to the torment I've been through."
Romeo said that maybe life was about finding things that made the pain all worth it, but the truth of the matter was that no amount of happiness could ever make pain worth it.
