Memory Lane

Chapter 19.

Desiree

I walked into the clubhouse and made a beeline for an empty room. Jax was right on my heels as he followed after me. I had no idea what I was going to say to him. How was I supposed to explain myself in a way that he'd understand? I could hardly get a grip on my emotions since I got back to Charming. The last couple of years of my life caused me to dissociate a lot, and it was proving to be difficult for me to navigate through my feelings.

"So, how you been?" Jax asked me when we were finally out of earshot. I sighed heavily, "I'm doing okay, Wendy has been helping me find a new job."

His eyebrows raised in surprise, "what happened to the daycare gig?"

I contemplated telling him the real reason as to why I no longer worked there, but I couldn't bear to hear him sing a string of "I'm sorry's" anymore. "It just didn't work out." He nodded his head at my answer, and I was grateful that he made no attempts to pry.

The room fell silent again and a thick wave of awkwardness masked the room. It seemed like forever before any of us mustered up the courage to say anything. "I missed you," he said quietly. That made me smile, "I missed you too. I'm sorry for leaving the way I did."

"No, it's okay, I shouldn't have pushed you. You needed time to adjust, I need to respect that." I was surprised at my reaction as the words left his mouth. I felt no feelings of relief or calm, but something along the lines of regret and longing. I hadn't thought about being with Jax since I realized he was married, but when he kissed me it opened something inside of me. Something I have been forced to bury ever since my disappearance. I've dreamt about Jax for every single day that I was gone; before I even knew that he wasn't just some figment of my imagination. Before I knew that our love was real and that he was mine. And when his lips touched mine, I was reminded of everything that we shared. The passion, the romance, the laughs, I wanted to feel those things again. More importantly, I wanted to feel them specifically with him.

I could handle the fact that Jax came with more baggage than before. If our love was anything like I remembered it then we could survive anything. I was hoping that I wasn't too late to start afresh and that he was still willing to have me. From how his situation with Tara sounded, it seemed like I had a fighting chance at making this work.

"Jax-" I began but my declaration to him was interrupted by the door swinging open. Standing there in all her bruised glory was Tara. She was clutching her purse as she made eye contact with Jax. "Hey, I just wanted to make sure that we were still on for tonight." She completely ignored me as she looked at him lovingly and stroked his large hand in hers. Jax shifted uncomfortably as he made eye contact with me, "yeah, my mom is watching the kids for us." A smile grew on her face and then she leaned into him to place a quick kiss on his lips. It lasted no more than a second, but it was enough to make me want to fold into myself from the embarrassment.

Jax had become a bright red and cleared his throat. Tara finally took notice of me and walked over to me. We were about five feet away from each other, "Desiree, I want to apologize for my behavior last week. I was completely out of line and I am really sorry for attacking you. I hope that we can move past this one day and possibly even be friends down the line."

I was completely stunned and at a loss for words. I couldn't tell if she was being sincere or just putting on a show for Jax. I looked over at Jax who was watching me intently, no way was I going to be friends with someone who sucker-punched me. "I hope we can move past it too," was all I could manage to say. I wasn't trying to prolong the situation, but I also hated being put in situations where my forgiveness was forced.

Tara didn't seem to mind that I hadn't said I forgave her, my answer was enough for her and seemingly enough to patch up her problem with Jax. I stole a glance in his direction to see the amount of relief he had on his face at our interaction. Tara seemed to be egged on by this and pulled me into an involuntary hug. All of the hairs on my body stood up as I was engulfed by the good doctor. My hands were kept at my sides and I did my best to keep them from pushing her off of me.

When she let go, she made her way out of the room and planted another kiss on Jax's lips. I tried to focus my attention on anything else to keep my eyes off of them. At that moment, I felt so stupid and embarrassed. I wanted to laugh at my own naivety. How could I possibly believe that they were actually over? Gemma wasn't a reliable source on the intimate details of Jax's relationship with Tara, because she could hardly stand the girl. And Jax's choices on women were as shifty as the weather.

"I wanted to tell you," Jax began.

I shook my head, "why would you have to? You guys are still married, I'm happy that you chose to work on it." The words that fell from my lips like hot lava were complete lies. Maybe it was selfish of me to think that I still had a chance, that he would leave her for me. But whatever it was that I felt before, the truth was alarmingly clear; Jax was married and he and I were over.

It felt ridiculous now to add to our conversation, so I abruptly left the room after that. I had nothing more to say to him, and what I felt held no weight in his life anymore. It was high time that I moved on from Jax and left the ole lady life behind. It was clear that I no longer had an ole man, so it was time that I rebuild a new life. Maybe it would do me some good to build something for the future, instead of building on the ruins of the past.