Memory Lane

Chapter 20. Repression

Jax

It had been exactly three weeks since I last spoke to Desiree. The memory of the interaction was burned into my skull. The look she had on her face when Tara kissed me made my heart sink. She couldn't even finish what she was going to say before Tara barged into the room. I was curious about it but I knew she would never say anything now. She hardly was ever around anymore! She didn't come around the clubhouse, she didn't go to my mom's house, and she didn't come to us for her car troubles. She was completely trying to distance herself from everyone, and it was all my fault.

Nero tried to tell me that Desiree was remodeling her life and trying to figure out who she was again. And although I was trying to be understanding, there was a selfish part of me that wanted her to rebuild her life with us in it. Because it felt like she was remodeling a life free of Samcro, and that hurt me to think about.

I wanted to confront her about it, but I struggled with what I was going to say to her. I didn't want to come off airheaded or hypocritical, but I just needed her to understand where I was coming from. I still watched out for her and cared for her in ways that she would never know. She recently got a job at a local diner here in Charming. It was a small, family-owned place that had been in Charming for decades. I knew the people who owned it, so I really had no reason to worry for Des, but Des was a beautiful woman and she attracted a lot of attention. So, it was only natural that she got a lot of male customers during feeding times.

I didn't want to be jealous but I couldn't help it. I saw the way they ogled her and would flirt with her. Some made her uncomfortable, others made her laugh, but they all annoyed me. I didn't care if it was Alex from the mini-mart or one of those big-shot lawyers stopping in for a sandwich. Every single one would shoot their shot with Desiree, and to my satisfaction, she turned down every single advance. However, there seemed to be only one person that Desiree seemed to really acknowledge, and that was Michael Howard. He was the father of the little girl that Desiree had cut her hair for. He came to the diner a lot during his lunch breaks and would always sit in Desiree's section.

At first, I ignored him completely because I thought he was too much of a square for Desiree. But after what had transpired between me and Des, I had a feeling she was actually considering him. He was the picture-perfect guy for her. No record, good job, and he had a good reputation around town.

I know I shouldn't have but I had been paying Des's coworker, Sarah, to keep an eye on them for me. Turns out, Michael had been trying to get Desiree to go on a date with him for a while now. But according to Sarah, Desiree was still hesitant to date him. He pulled out all of the stops to get her attention. He left large tips, got her random flowers, and would even bring his daughter by to get her to sit with him. I knew Desiree was too nice to tell him off in front of his kid, and I was seriously contemplating paying him a visit myself. But I was up to my ears with my own problems, either I was doing something for the club or trying to be home more with my family.

Tara suggested that we spend as much time as possible together to bring the spark back into our marriage. She was so traumatized by my willingness to leave her that she was doing everything in her power to keep me home. I really wanted to give my relationship with her one more shot, because I had ached for Tara for so long. She was also my first love, my wife, and the mother to my boys. It seemed ridiculous not to give us another chance, but it also seemed ridiculous having Desiree within my reach and not grabbing the opportunity to be with her.

It probably didn't even matter anyway, Desiree didn't want anything to do with me and I didn't blame her for feeling that way. She didn't want to get hurt any further than she already has. I wanted to respect her wishes and leave her life as seamless as she wanted me to, but I missed her terribly and I wanted nothing more than to be in her life. I had mourned for her for years after her disappearance, through my marriage with Wendy, and even while saying my vows to Tara. She was the one whose face I couldn't unsee, whose warmth I still felt in my bed and the person that still flooded my dreams. If I couldn't be the man of her dreams, I wanted to be the friend she couldn't live without.

"Hey baby," Tara's greeting was instant as soon as I walked through the door. It was as if she was waiting for me, counting the moments until I came into the house. I wondered if she realized that I had spent an hour outside before I actually came in. Who was I kidding? She undoubtedly heard the sound of my bike pulling into the driveway. I prayed that she didn't ask me what I doing out there, because I would surely have to lie. Because how could I tell the woman I love that I constantly think about the woman I mourned?

Tara planted a tender kiss on my lip that quickly heated up. She grabbed at my hoodie, pulling me closer to her body. Her tongue shoved itself in between my lips and wrestled with mine that laid motionless in my mouth. She pulled back and gave me a puzzled expression, "are you okay, baby?" I straightened myself up and cleared my throat, "yeah, I'm fine." I battled with myself to give her the energy she desired because I couldn't give in to the emotions that would cause me to crumble.

Tara enjoyed my new surge of energy, letting out soft giggles and moans in my ears. I performed to her like I had something to prove or something to hide rather. I hid my head in the crook of her neck as she clenched and trembled around me. She was so engrossed in her own ecstasy that she didn't notice my tears seeping onto the fabric beneath her. When she finally came, I pulled out of her and rolled onto my back. She gravitated towards me and laid her head on my chest while drawing small circles on my peck.

"I love you, Jackson, we're going to make this right. Soon, we'll be able to leave Charming and leave this all behind us. Just you, me, and our boys. My perfect little family."