Memory Lane

Chapter 32. Second Chance

Tara

I panicked. I knew what my fate would be, so I just panicked. Abel was beyond terrified of me and I knew that the same morals I gave my son would be used against me. Abel was a small child; I didn't blame him for knowing what was right and what was wrong. He didn't understand my reasons yet, all he saw was that mommy killed grandma, and mommy needed to be punished. The guilt I feel in knowing that I have traumatized him further will haunt me forever. And even given my best judgment, it was still a big price to pay to get my boys out of Charming.

I had tried to take Abel with me, but his fear was beyond the point of no return. He was like Jax in a way in how he sought justice, and upon seeing that I knew that I had to leave him. When it boiled down to it, Thomas was still a clean slate and wasn't old enough to comprehend even the food he ate. There was still a chance in saving him, but Abel didn't want to be saved, especially by a mother he considered to be "bad."

When I talked to him earlier, the fear in his eyes was paralyzing. My own son asked me if I was going to kill his daddy. Which was horrifying because in his mind he believed me to be worse than Jax. The same man who kills without issue and no remorse, who has put a club over being with his family! I tried to be gentle with Abel, but then he called me a bad mommy for hurting his grandma. I was sick to my stomach, but I couldn't risk Abel lashing out in front of everyone. So, I just denied the allegations and said, "I love daddy, I would never hurt you or him." The look on his face was unsure, but then I asked him if he would like to come with me for some ice cream.

Abel loved ice cream and I just needed any little bribe to get him in the car, but then he just repeated the words "bad mommy" again. He was so deeply traumatized that he genuinely thought that I'd hurt him. I know he'd never understand but his words pained me so much, and it took everything in me not to break down. Right then and there I made a decision to leave with whoever I could.

Looking around the club I knew that I didn't want Thomas to grow up around these people. He still had a chance of getting out untouched, and as much as it pained me to leave Abel, it was a sacrifice I had to make. And I knew that his new attachment to Desiree would eventually lead to him telling his father the truth. He was glued to her side as if she had become his new mother like she was protecting him from me.

After seeing that, I had gone into the bedroom and started to shove everything I could in Thomas's diaper bag. I had snuck out the back door and did my best to remain unseen until I was safely in my car. The garage was crawling with bikers so I had to be daring to get past any of them. The gate was still open from the guys who had left after hearing that we were off of lockdown, so I took the opportunity to go through it at high speed. No one dared to step in front of my vehicle once they realized that I wasn't slowing down.

I could see Opie standing in the distance in shock before running inside, most likely to tell Jax about my rogue behavior. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I was hunted down by every Son in Charming, so I needed to get away fast.

I decided to drive into Oakland because it was one of the few places that the Sons wouldn't look. I knew no one in Oakland but it at least bought me some time to get some gas and withdraw some money for the trip. The thought of going there did scare me to a degree considering the myth of Damon Pope. But my fear of Jax was stronger than any of that. There was no telling about what Jax would do when he caught me. Not only had I killed his mother, but I had kidnapped one son while simultaneously traumatizing the other.

Jax's taste for revenge was always lethal, but I was never on the receiving end of it. I had watched my husband become more of a monster with every body that he added. At times I even feared him and his capabilities, but there was never a question as to if he'd ever hurt me. But now I was the enemy, I was the prey he was trained to kill.

I looked back at Thomas who had begun to doze off, and a tear threatened to escape my eyes. What had I done? What happened to me? How could I let him bring me to such a point of no return? I look in the mirror at times and I don't even recognize the person I've become. I've sacrificed so much for this life, for him, for his mother. I can't even perform a successful surgery because of what happened to my hand. This life has stolen so much from me. I've been kidnapped, I've had a hit put out on me, and my position as a mother has been threatened numerous times. But despite it all, I have managed to survive.

I did everything I could to save Jax, to save my son, but they were already gone. This life is ingrained in them and they will know no different from this. But I know what a life without Samcro is, and I will fight to give that freedom to Thomas. I don't apologize for what I did, it was my life or hers. I do feel remorse for further traumatizing Abel, but maybe when Jax has calmed down he'll understand that this was for the best. My hope is that he will send Abel to me before it is too late. I will pay for the best therapists in the world just to give him a second chance. All I ever wanted was a second chance to live my life right.