𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐈 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐈𝐓 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄?" ☡ thoma x ayato

𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙝𝙚 (xv)

"ayato...please walk away. you're angry."
thoma begs.

ᴀʏᴀᴛᴏ
i'm selfish. i'm so, so selfish for wanting thoma. i shouldn't be making him scared, but it's all i know. i drive people away, and then regret it all. all i want is for him to choose me. i step closer to thoma, my hands caressing his chin. i really wish he liked me.

"no, i'm not angry dear. i just think you don't understand what love is."

i hold both of thoma's hands above his head, as i inch my face closer to his. he struggles helplessly, avoiding my kiss. did i do something wrong? i thought a whore like him would enjoy kissing men. thoma groans, growing annoyed at me. i remove one of my hands from the wall, and slides it down his body. thoma wasn't turned on, what a bummer. i let my guard down, loosening my grip around thoma's wrists. he forces his hands out of my grip, and pushes me to the ground. i stumble backwards, landing on my back. thoma glares down at me, rolling his eyes.

"i don't want to date a rapist."

the chat pings.

"ayato is a rapist?"

no, this can't be happening. i forgot to turn off the fucking stream. every emotion hits me at once. everything comes crashing down at that moment. fear, guilt, anger, denial. my entire future has rotted away, like a fruit left untouched. viewers start leaving the stream, and i watch in horror as my subscriber count went down. everything's leaving me, just like how thoma did. everything i've ever loved has betrayed me, leaving me alone again. i can't breathe. my chest tightens up and my fingers froze. i'm trembling so much, i can't even get up. my whole body shakes, leaving me petrified. i try to steady my breathing. in, out. in, out. nothing seemed to work.

i glance up, and thoma's just staring at me. i never thought the day would come that thoma is disgusted by me. he doesn't even try to help me. i wanted nothing more than help right now. all thoma could do is to walk away. no- he runs. i watch helplessly as thoma runs away, and out of my room. there's no fixing this anymore. no apology could make thoma forgive me. yet still, i am sorry. i make sure my last few words to thoma are caught on the livestream, as i feel myself losing consciousness. my breathing is unsteady again, and my eyes feel heavy.

maybe..this is sorry.