C.Cullen; between lions and men

Act I ; Scene IX

! warning innuendos of suicide, mentions of death, mentions of mental hospital visits, and possible self-harm! ( edit- 11-20-22 , I will be changing jacobs age to make it a little more sense for the time line of the past instead of 15 he will be the same age of silas)

                        " You got a taste for blood when you were licking your own wounds"

     Silas never really appreciated a hot shower until that very moment he arrived home from the first time he visited a mental hospital. He never appreciated a warm blanket after sivering in his broken-down car during the middle of December after leaving Caleb for the first time. Silas never had to worry about going without anything because of Charlie, Charlie was always there no matter how badly Silas fucked up the previous times. Silas hated to admit but in truth, he was very dependent on his father.   

   Silas knew the day he would lose charlie that'd be his breaking point. Silas knew he was greedy and selfish. He took advantage of many things and Silas owned up to the fact he took advantage of things because Silas was no liar. Well, he was but not in the sense of wanting to hurt others. Silas lied to keep from hurting anyone. He feared that he would always be a liar, greedy and selfish. Maybe one day he'd change but that day is not today. Yet Silas was appreciative, grateful, and content. 

     The day He realized he was selfish was when Anastasia spit the words out at him while he was laying on her black leather couch in Manhatten so drugged up he thought he was gonna die. He was seventeen. But the day he realized he was greedy was a different day entirely, that day he wanted to consume all the love Caleb could give him. It was probably out of loneliness but it was mostly greed.

  Silas walked through Jake's house tiptoeing so as not to wake anyone. He walked into Jake's room grabbing a random shirt and shorts from his dresser drawer. He often felt more at home here than actually at home. It was probably because of Bella. He knew Bellas type. She was the come into your life and leave once it doesn't suit her needs anymore, once you do suit them and their needs they'll come back. Silas didn't blame her... Children often mimic their parent's behavior. Silas let the hot water run down his face and reveled in the stinging warmth the water left on his skin. " Si, that you?" Jacob didn't really need to ask if that was Silas because he already knew. Silas was brought from his thoughts of Bella, Caleb, himself, suicide, addiction, and Charlie by the sound of Jacob's horse voice probably caused by a dry throat. " yeah! I'll be out in a sec " He yelled out hoping he was heard by the running water. Silas only allowed himself the extra minute to gather his thoughts before getting out of the hellaciously hot water. Silas loved every part of the little home. He found everything so lived in and that brought him great comfort as opposed to his rarely touched and rarely visited home. Even though there were three inhabitants. 

    Jacob always welcomed Silas into his still-warm bed no matter what. No matter how much Silas had to drink or how his breath smelt of the menthol cigarettes he smoked. It didn't matter if Silas tracked beach sand into the navy blue sheets. It could be brushed out. Jacob allowed this because he knew how much Silas yearned for love and yearned to be loved. Even if Silas was already greatly loved Silas didn't love himself. Jacob wanted to be the one to help him learn the self-love he never had for himself. And if that meant having sandy bed sheets, he'd have sandy bed sheets for as long as it took. Jacob was torn between Silas's familiarity and Bella's feminity. Silas was the ever-gentle touch and chaotic ideas. Bella was a delicate newborn doe, an old leather jacket. But Silas was too much liquor and loud laughs, Or he used to laugh loudly not as much anymore. Jacob didn't know much about Bella anymore. So when Silas slid under the covers and into the comfort and warmth of Jacob sobbing out " I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" he pulled at his hair wanting to stop the tears but it was so hard to stop them. Silas repeated it over and over again. All Jacob could do was hold Silas tighter as his body shook and play with still-damp curls.

An hour later the two were sound asleep and only the sound of soft breathing could be heard in the room, that was until Jacob's phone began to ring. " It's Charlie" Jacob grumbled out into the pillows not fully awake. " No matter how much you don't want to talk to him you have to." Silas huffed and picked up the phone allowing his father to speak his peace before answering all the unasked and unsaid questions and comments. " Yes I'm fine, No I didn't get hypothermia, No I haven't eaten yet, and Yes I know what Bella told you." Charlie could only laugh at how well his son knew him. " Well never mind then, but you do have an appointment with Doctor Cullen at his home office at one o'clock and it's already a quarter past twelve." Charlie was always so gentle with his son because well, he knew how fragile his son was. Silas didn't have any qualms or complaints about his father's gentleness either.

Silas knew that the cashmere sweater he was wearing swallowed him whole. He hadn't worn it since sophomore year. It fit perfectly when he was sixteen and 145 pounds but now he was down to about 90 pounds. But he gradually got smaller over the years and no one ever realized because he wore such baggy clothes and didn't play sports either. It was still a nice sweater. Finally arriving at the Cullen's not-so-surprisingly lavish home. The engine came to a stop and the key was gently tugged out of the ignition. The gravel rocks crunched under his old black shoes he never wore because they were a half size too big because Renee bought them as a birthday gift not knowing how small Silas was. Silas noted that the house had beautifully tinted windows. Sunlight could pass through and people on the inside could see out but people on the outside couldn't see in. 

I apologize, it's been so long but here are 1,000 + words enjoy reading. there will be more coming , but my health has been all over the place recently so I needed to take care of myself