C.Cullen; between lions and men

Act I ; Scene X

                                                        !Warning mentions of substance abuse!

I have never understood where the line is drawn, between sacrifice and self-slaughter - Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel

  Carslile had no time to allow himself to freak out about this appointment with his mate. It was strictly business he told himself. Don't allow feelings to intervene and give biased reactions. He knew that if feelings became involved with a patient his thoughts and advice would become biased and untrustworthy.   

Carslile could hear when the keys were taken out of the ignition. Now not allowing himself to become panicking disaster he downed the rest of the red Bordeaux he was slowly sipping on. He gathered all of his courage to invite Silas into his home. Carslile made sure to peek out of the blinds to see how close Silas was to the entrance.   

  Now carslile was no idiot he knew the risks of letting his human mate into his home, especially into his office where they would be perfectly alone, as his children were at school and Esme was blueprinting for a new couple in Seattle. They would be utterly alone...Gently turning the knob to welcome the male inside a rush of fresh air crept into the home. It was a feeling only a Vampyre could feel as they were more sensitive than humans. Carslile wished he could bask in Silas's scent. A lovely mixture of citrus, lavender, and smoke with an undertone of saltwater. It was perfect to the doctor, it was a very seductive yet innocent scent. " It is nice to see you again Silas." 

  He made sure to give the male a smile that reached his eyes. Carslile hated putting up the professional yet friendly act it becomes agitating after a time or two. He'd much rather treat Silas as a lover instead of a patient. That would have to wait he mused to himself. "Doctor Cullen-" Silas straightened his large sweater as he spoke with such a formal tone that made the doctor flinch " I wish I could say the same but as I am no liar I will be honest, I have dreaded this appointment." Carslile felt a twinge of disappointment instead of rolling in the feeling he discarded it, and in placement was understanding. " Well, That's very understandable." Silas was always one for brutal honesty and not one to sugarcoat anyone 

   " Please do come in." Carslile motioned for Silas to walk inside. He led Silas throughout the house that was so impeccably clean that not even a Vampyre with the best sight could see a speck of dust. " would you like a bottle of water?" Carslile was trying to be a generous host, Esme was much better at these things than him. "Um... Sure." Silas did not want to be rude and refuse then again he was thirsty. Once the two were settled in Carlile's office Silas looked around at all of the paintings. " I enjoy the artwork that leans more towards the era of Christianity." Silas hummed in acknowledgment. 

    Even now Silas began itching to get up and leave this appointment he has dreaded since his father called and did not inform him of until the day of and an hour before he had to be there. "Today will be quite simple with only answering a few questions for your file." Silas knew if he left now it wouldn't bode well with charlie. Silas really contemplated some of the questions as they were very invasive to his private life. " and how have your past relationships been?" Silas wanted to scream and rage at this idiotic man. Silas is sure he has read his file, it of course goes into extensive detail on what Caleb did to him. "I'm sure you've read my file Doctor" 

      He was quite bitter with his tone of voice Silas wanted the doctor to get the hint. Carslile did in fact read the file on the nineteen-year-old and it did go into extensive detail, yet he was letting his feelings control him at this point. clearing his throat trying to rid himself of his biased questions and curiosity. " Of course, I do apologize I was only hoping to get your response to the story instead of jotting down notes from a half-witted therapist." Silas scoffed at that he knew how incompetent the therapist was. " How long were you on and off of any form of illegal substances?' Silas laughed at how formal and scientific carslile was. " You can say drugs you know, I'm not ashamed to admit I do heroin or drink till I blackout." Carslile didn't want to be so brash about the subject but he seemed to realize that Silas didn't care. He knew his faults and owned up to them. 

   " Listen, I'm to the point where I would be at more peace if I didn't wake up in the morning." Carslile was shocked, to say the least, he knew Silas was honest but not this honest. " I haven't been completely sober in five years doctor." He replied running a hand through his hair. " Could you explain why you fall back to the same habits, or do you have no idea why you do?" Silas wasn't the type to explain his reasonings he normally just did things with no explanation. He did things more on impulse than anything. " Because I can't handle it..." " And what is "it" exactly?" Carslile's blue ballpoint pen continued to loop and curve as he wrote in beautiful cursive. " Everything-" 

     Silas began to bounce his legs as he became even more anxious by the second. " the emotions, thoughts, voices." Silas continued on. After another thirty torturing minutes, Carslile set down the blue pen and stretched his fingers as if they hurt from writing down too many notes. " Well Silas, I feel as if we have accomplished many things today." Silas gathered his things up and stretched. " Same time next week?" Carslile was already confirming the appointment as Silas asked. " Yes, of course, let me lead you out ." 

     As the vintage beetle pulled out of the gravel drive it left an ache in Carslile. That ache came from the depths of his damned soul. In a way, he knew the reason for this ache, but the burning he felt he had no explanation for. He wondered if Silas had ever felt the same ache and burning as he did. 

      Silas was forgiving. So he forgave Carslile for making the anger he hid so well in the figurative bottle bubble up to the surface, and from the pits of his stomach, the anger rose like bile to the top of his throat. It was so suffocating he could choke. Silas knew he shouldn't have even lit the cigarette let alone taken a long drag off of it, yet he cracked the window and blew out the smoke that softly burned his lungs in the most calming way. Silas liked letting the smoke settle and make a home in his lungs before he exhaled. Deep down there was the feeling of self-loathing, hatred, and disgust that was all directed toward himself... He even knew why, Silas just didn't have the will to admit why. He might not ever find that will and that's ok with him. Silas was struggling to survive and everyone knows it.

We finally have another 1,000+ word chapter, hopefully, we will have another in the upcoming weeks but it is doubtful as I will be taking end-of-course tests.