------------------
Capwoman.
------------------
Faustine Alejandra,
I'm pulling a reverse version of you. Because you're still my role model, yeah? Yeah.
Faus... I've been thinking a lot about how things ended up the way they did. I am so sorry. I have so many unanswered questions and so many unspoken and unexpressed emotions. I understand why we couldn't talk about why it was over. It's been a month. Though outwardly I am fine and still function like a normal human being, I hide the sadness of parting ways. I am not telling this so you'd come back, or for you to feel terrible. I am telling this because this is what's true.
I should have been, as a man, guarded your heart against me and guarded mine from me. You're no acquaintance, Faus. You're so much more than that. So much more than I thought I didn't want you to be. I'm sorry you had to hear my bullshit. That's what I've been struggling to confess to my therapist. That I've been a complete asshole to someone as precious as you. Yeah, been seeing a therapist for some quiet time now. It was Jared who convinced me because I've been nagging him so much about my own fucked up feelings.
I had to, anyway. I realized I had to. Because if I wouldn't, then I would've gotten crazy thinking how the fuck I deal with these emotions. Strange emotions, like you said. I want to understand these feelings better. I'm trying, Faus.
For you. For me. For the endless possibilities I have for us.
I can fill this letter with feelings and emotions, jargon, and paradoxes but nothing will change. All I can do is learn and continue to ponder what to learn until you come along again. You more than likely won't believe me when I say that you are the best thing that ever happened to me, so, t I completely understand why that would be a hard thing to believe. I didn't do a great job at showing it.
My mom was truly appalled when she learned I enrolled myself in a baking and painting school. To be honest, I have no fucking idea how I would do it. Those are your thing, and I want them to be my thing too. I just...want to do something that reminds me of you. Something close to you. Sometimes I would eat every single day at Chick-Fil-A because that's your favorite fast food. Pathetic, no? Well, to hell with it. I missed you, Faus. More than I could ever say or write.
And now, I feel like I'm blabbering too much. I wanna save something left to say when I see you again. Just know that I fell for you, the same way you did. I didn't exactly know when, but I know now that I did.
Way too deep, Faus. Way too fucking deep.
For now, I'll just wait for you, pretty girl.
-III
