SECOND

Chapter 9

"Nasobrahan ka naman ata sa ka-aaral diyan Seri. Hayaan mo muna yan next week pa deadline niyan." Maire my roommate said.

"Mas mabuti nang matapos ko nang mas maaga."

Maire is busy dressing herself up. May gala na naman kasi ang isang 'to. She is inviting me everytime pero I always decline her invitation. Paano ba naman kasi, they are a group of kpop fans and all their topic are about kpop, and I can't relate kaya lagi na akong tumatanggi.

"Ay siya nga pala, baka dumating ang parcel ko ha. Lightstick yun. Pwede mong i-unbox pag gusto mo." Here she comes again with her merch. Halos mapuno na ang kwarto namin ng mga merch niya na naka-display. The side of her table is full of albums, kaya iniiwasan ko ang parteng yun. I never ever stared at it.

"Oo, tatanggapin ko lang, hindi ako marunong mag-unbox." I said while writing.

"Alam kong marunong ka, at tsaka sa ENHYPEN yun." Napahinto ako sa ginagawa ko. My fingers tremble and I can't continue writing anymore. Para bang biglang tumigil ang mundo ko by hearing that word.

"I'm out of kpop, Maire. Focus na ako sa studies ko 'diba?" I played with the pen on my hand. Nakalimutan ko na ang dapat kong isulat kaya hindi ako makakapagpatuloy.

"Ay oo nga pala, it's been three years na rin. Sakin na lang kasi albums mo." I didn't answer her. Ilang beses  na niyang sinubukan yan pero palagi ko siyang iniiwasan.

"Sabi ko nga hindi." Nilingon ko siya at nakita kong papaalis na siya.

"See you later, Seri. Sana matapos mo yan at makasama ka na sakin next time."

With that, she left.

Napasandal ako sa upuan ko pagkaalis niya. Nawala na lahat ng laman ng isip ko at sa isang bagay lang napadpad. I sighed.

I stared at wall in front of me. It was blank, unlike Maire's which is full of photos of her idols. Bakit nga ba ako napunta dito?

It's been years since I started to tear off the posters on my wall. I think it was time for me to stop being so into kpop. I am not saying that I hate them now, I just got a grasp to reality and I wanted to prioritize my studies as what I said to Maire. I am more prioritizing the things that I have in front of me at the moment.

Iniiwasan ko talagang mapadpad sa kaniya ang isip ko. Nasasaktan ako tuwing nakikita ko ang mukha niya because he reminds me of him very much. It feels like all the pain I felt when I let go three years ago came back every time.

I really wondered how I became so brave and didn't cry in front of him at the time of our last talk. Paano ako naging ganoon katapang kung ngayon maliit na bagay iniiyakan ko na?

I wanna be brave like how I was before, but being my old self will remind me of how alone I am now.

I don't blame him for what happened. I am respecting his decision even though he didn't really bid a goodbye to me. I assumed it was the end. He didn't even bothered to call or text me, to explain what's happening that made me conclude that he truly became a good guy in following their tradition.

Palagi akong napapaisip. What if tumawag siya? What if he explained everything? What if I waited for more days? What if I didn't left after that night? May magbabago ba?

If he called and tell me to end this, then I won't be left hanging. I won't spent nights thinking if he's doing fine or if he is happy with what he is doing. Hearing assurance from him that he is fine is what I need at that time. Masakit bumitaw but it wouldn't be this painful as what I felt three years ago, if only we ended up in a much better way. 

Palagi kong iniiwasan na isipin siya. That is one of the reason why I also avoided his twin. Hindi na ako makatingin ngayon sa kakambal niya. Alam kong magkaiba sila but there really are some resemblances with the two of them.