Dead Heart

At my Lowest

The next week went great. 

Damian took me to this new Thai restaurant that was literally so fucking good. My favorite was the tom yum soup with the mushrooms and chicken. I hadn't been to a Thai restaurant since I went out with my parents two years ago. You may be wondering what even happened with my parents, or maybe you're not, but I'm going to tell you anyway. 

We were always pretty problematic, we never got along very well. I had anger issues, and my dad had anger issues. I always needed to have the last word with everything, and we argued so much. Even about little things, just feeling his presence pissed me off. I was just a horny little teenager that did normal horny teenage things but I still had really good grades. Yea I did drugs and vaped in high school but so has every other kid at least once. I posted hot pics on my secret Instagram but it eventually caught up to my parents and they were in so much anger and rage that I thought they'd actually kill me. They almost did. They always threatened it. They always threatened something terrible whenever I did something like that.

They found out that I had secret boyfriends that I'd sext with cuz they're nosy asses couldn't keep their shit out of my phone. They didn't believe in respecting privacy. They didn't believe in  mental health, they didn't believe in therapy. I grew up in an abusive household, but in India, beating your kids and wife was normal, so I thought it was normal for a few years. I'd even get nightmares of my parents murdering each other when I was in second grade. I'd get nightmares of my own dad trying to kill me in my sleep. I was traumatized. They thought everything they did was for my own good, they never accepted how twisted they were. 

As soon as I graduated, I left faking tears and pretended to be sad to miss them. Okay maybe some of the tears were real because I knew I was going to miss my little sister so much. She was 14 when I left, I felt so bad for her. She'd have to deal with my shit parents all by herself for 3 years. I just prayed that she didn't do the things I did or at least gets away with everything because I never wanted her to feel the way I felt. They payed for college at first, then I stopped visiting them less and less, knowing that they'd want to kill me more for being a model. I haven't seen them in two years. I went to visit my sister whenever I could though. I'd pick her up after school and we'd spend a few nights at a hotel hanging out and catching up. She always had so much to tell me, she told me everything and I felt like I was right there with her through all of it. And I told her everything too. She always powered off her phone whenever we hung out so they couldn't track her location. She'd let them know that she was with me though. I facetimed her whenever I got bored, tried to help her with her homework but I just ended up calling her stupid for not understanding anything. She was annoying as hell but she was my little sister. She's almost a senior now and I couldn't be more proud. 

Sometimes, I wonder if my parents ever regretted anything. Like anything at all, other than having me as their child. They could have aborted me when they had the chance, like they were going to. I wonder if deep down they still love me. I don't know if I loved them anymore, even if I did, it's all cloudy from the overpowering hatred I have for them. I bet they see my modeling pictures and Instagram pictures thinking to themselves what a mistake they made marrying  each other and having this "abomination" of a child. I could go on for ages about hating on my parents, but I better stop now. I don't even care anymore.