Dead Heart

Flooding In

I had so many questions for him. I did not know where to even start. It wasn't fair to me. For him to disappear from my life completely then magically appear and give me all sorts of these feelings again. Why, only to leave my crying AGAIN. He didn't even care to say goodbye on the last day we saw each other. I had no closure. He promised that he would call me when I turned 18. I didn't even get a happy birthday. I had unfollowed him from everything, so I could slowly fade all our memories away. But, as soon as I saw him, felt him again, they all came flooding in. 

"Vanya, listen to me, " he tried to wipe my tears away. I was angry, and sad, and so happy to be able to see him. I didn't know what was happening. 

"What do you have to say Terrell? Were you gonna tell me, 'I'm sorry for not saying a word to you all these years. I'm sorry for not even saying bye. I'm sorry for lying to you and breaking my promises. I'm sorry for making you feel like a literal piece of shit.'? "

"I never meant to do any of those things. You know I didn't."

"Just stop. No I do not know what's going on in your head all the time, you told me you loved me one day then completely shut me out the next day. And you didn't even BOTHER to say goodbye or anything on the last day we would see each other. I know you had bipolar disorder but you let that effect me in immeasurable ways I just can't keep forgiving you for everything you know. And now today instead of just treating me like a normal ex that you ran into, why are you holding me like- like THIS!" I tried to hold back my tears, I didn't want him to know how much the five years affected me but the words I said were no longer in my control.

"Vani, please, I never wanted to hurt you the way I did. I know I did and I will never forgive myself for what happened. In high school, I fucked up a lot. Things were messing with my head, I was so guilty for liking you, a minor, and I didn't want to mess things up in the future and have you as just a passing high school relationship," he paused, "I shouldn't have been the way I was. I don't expect you to forgive me but please just don't be mad."

He looked at me with a face of sadness, plea, and regret. All I wanted to do was cradle him in my arms and take all the pain away. Maybe he did actually love me. Maybe I was too quick to judge. He can't have the same ways and behaviors as he did 5 years ago can he? Maybe he's changed? 

No. People don't change all by themselves. Experiences and other people change them, that's reality. 

"Okay, but you owe me an explanation!" I said with all my sadness disappeared from my face. 

He looked at me and smiled, with his eyes crinkling at the corners, he looked so happy. Then I felt a jolt of force scoop me up from the ground. "AHHHH!!" I was caught by surprise, he picked me up so fast and started laughing. I was screaming my ass off but I was crying of laughter nonetheless. 

"I MISSED YOU VANINIII!" he yelled with joy. He had the dumbest nicknames for me in high school. One of many was Vanini a dumb ass name. I can't believe he remembered it.  I threw my head back laughing and all the anger I had for him a moment ago faded away. But then I had realized. What am I doing? I have a boyfriend. 

I have a boyfriend. And I'm letting Terrell hold me like this, I'm letting him make me feel like this. I need to stop. I told him to put me down. I had to tell him. 

"Terrell I need to tell you something."

"What is it Vani?"

"I actually have a- "

"Boyfriend. I know." I was in shock. How did he know that? 

"What! Anyway yea I do and I l-."

"Love him. I know."

"Then why the hell are you doing this, you don't expect me to go back to you after all these years while I have a boyfriend of nearly three years do you?"

"No I don't expect that, I'm just saying we could be friends you know. You were my best friend in high school. We can be best friends now too!" Was he joking? I couldn't do that to Damian, I loved that boy. Yea I barely said it but I really do. I can't let him barge into my life again like this and mess everything up. I was lost in thought when Terrell snatched my phone away from me. He was holding it high up so I couldn't reach it. "Vaniii unlock your phone I need to do something really quick."

"AHH TERRELL GIMME MY PHONE BACK ASSHOLE!" I should have sounded madder but I wasn't. held my phone directly above my face and I looked up at it without thinking. Dammit. Damn you face ID. He jumped and did a fist pump then ran like hell typing something into my phone. I ran after him screaming and smiling. It felt like we were back in the halls of high school, chasing each other like a bunch of little kids. He ran into the men's bathroom. Oh no he didn't. I paused for a second, unsure what to do. "Fuck it." And I ran into the bathroom and all of the men gasped while I made my dramatic and problematic entrance. 

"TERRELL JOSAIH AHMIR RAMIREZ GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND GIMME MY GODDAMN PHONE!!" I saw him move out of a stall from the corner of my eyes and lunged at him, pinning him to the wall. I smirked. "Hand. It. Over." He looked shocked and terribly amused. He handed my phone to me slowly and put up his hands on his head like he was going to get arrested. 

"When did you get so strong Vani?" he said with a devilishly hot smirk on his face. 

I said with confidence, "maybe in the five years you ghosted me. Bitch."

"Hey I thought we were over that!" I loosened my grip on his chest, and I flipped him off. I should have seemed more mad. But I just wasn't. 

I walked out of the bathroom like a queen and all the boys in there started cheering. Terrell caught up to me and said, "Looks like I'll be seeing you more often huh."

I turned around and said "Yea no, I have a boyfriend, and my wife that's waiting for me. So hate to break it to you buttt I gotta leave." I turned away quickly before he could see the stupid smile on my face. 

"OKAY BYE VANINI I'LL SEE YOU!!" he said in a stupid funny voice. 

I was already in the elevator by the time he said that, I put my face in my hands and just grinned like an idiot. 

I got back to the room and everyone was relaxing watching some show on Netflix. "Heyy Vanya, welcome back!" Toby smiled. 

"How was your little excursion babe?"

"It was really nice actually like this resort has sooo much to do we haven't seen anything yet." I climb into bed next to Hannah and Damian. While I put my hair up, staring at the screen, I hear a ding." I flip my phone over to see what it was. "Unknown number: Hey Money Vani lets be besties again." with a bunch of stupid emojis. Idiot. I turned my phone over again. I was not letting this guy ruin my life again. I'm happy the way I am. What else could I want?