I Am Not Okay With This!

I Don't Know What's Happening Anymore

FUCK!

SHIT!

PUSSI!

ASS!

MOTHERFUCKER!

GOD DAMNIT!

FUCKING ASSHOLE!

I HATE YOU!

DIE!

...

Sorry... I just-... needed to get that out real quick....

April 10 2022, Dear Diary...

Thursday I wanted to watch the movie "ParaNormine." Its been awhile sense I last saw it and I remember it being one of my favorites. The time I got to watch the movie on Thursday it was half an hour away from bedtime. So I wouldn't be able to finish it till tomorrow; Friday. 

My little brother Lucas wouldn't get off the playstation so I needed my dad to get him off of there. Lucas threw a big unnecessary fit about it. He said that he doesn't even like the movie which is just bullshit because the last time he saw it he said he loved it. Like- wtf? You haven't seen it in three years. But what's even MORE BULLSHIT is that I didn't even get the chance to WATCH! AND ENJOY THE FUCKING MOVIE!!! He kept shouting at me and I kept shouting back until mom and dad FINALLY show up to stop this fight but at the worst time! The finally decide to jump in on the part when I shout "JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" And then they start yelling at me! I gave them the same energy back but they didn't care in the slightest and I cancelled the movie saying bedtime even though that was ten minutes away. Everyone (other than mom and dad Olivia cause she was upstairs with headphones on) started crying! They all just sat there doing nothing but screaming and crying and I just left mom and dad to deal with that.

I blasted music out of my headphones using the Alexa in the dark in my room. Normally that would help me go to sleep, but after that fight I just had I ended up staying awake the whole night just laying there. I wasn't even a little bit tired until morning where everyone had to get ready for school. I took my tablet to school without anyone knowing. I didn't wanna stop listening to music. That was somehow the only thing keeping me awake the entire day. 

I got pulled into Mrs. Merphy's office and we had a talk. I had a helluva shitty day yesterday leaving me with an attitude this morning. Unless I had music playing. I don't know what it was but it was calming me down. I told her everything about yesterday and much more. How I didn't feel wanted in the family even though my mother told me once before that I am wanted even when it doesn't feel like it. How I don't even know who I can trust anymore. How my siblings are DICKS! How I had to teach myself things parents should have tought their kids. 

That sounds stupid because parents teach their kids how to do many things, but I mean stuff like: LGBTQ+, Therapie, that there is more than just one skin color and genetic disorders, you can change your style as in anyone can wear what they want, adults aren't always right also as including that they can't do whatever they want and say what they want, I can make my own decisions and it's okay to ask for help, I don't know is a answer, different is okay and I shouldn't hide my true self, I need to be careful on who I hangout with, how to fight, what I like and don't like and what I actually wanna do, it's easier for me to talk to older people than me and aren't related to me than people my age, I don't know what to expect from people nor how I want to be treated when people tell me this, I think I have serious mental issues and schizophrenia, I don't know if I'm being raised correctly, if I wanna be left alone or be given some space that doesn't always mean that something's wrong, my parents don't tell me that they signed me up for anything till they tell me I should've been to that place when I didn't even know it was a thing, what calms me a down and how to relax myself, I don't like gym class and don't wanna be in it anymore; I want art class back.

(My parents will say that I had many conversations about HALF of the stuff on this list but that's WAY after I discovered all of this and tought myself this and figured it all out on my own.)

After I told her this she gave me a piece of paper that said "Questions About Life" on the top and told me to write down anything on it that she might need to know about. She also said that she was gonna give my parents a call and then told me that the next time we have a meeting we would go over the paper of things that I listed together and maybe with my parents to. 

Everything you just read that I shouldn't have tought myself is all listed on the paper. 

...

Great. This is just FUCKING GREAT! Know I'm practically talking to myself! 

Anyway... When I got home from school Friday I asked if I could try to watch ParaNormine again sense I didn't really get to. My parents said yes that of course pissed off my brother but I wasn't able to watch until after the talk I had with my parents. Yep. They got the call from Mrs. Merphy. I thought that she wouldn't call them like I just got detention for getting into a fight or something and the principle said that they would call our parents but that ended up not happening or some shit I don't know. 

But, yeah. I had the talk with my parents. OBVIOUSLY they said that they teached me and my siblings about so many things. (They weren't being pacific on what they meant by that. Probably because they didn't know what they think I KNOW I had to teach myself.) I went all out on them. Telling them everything about the shitty soon to be half of my childhood life coming to an end (sense I'm only twelve and not a teanager yet) and how I made so many mistakes because of them and had to figure things out on my own and felt left out and wasn't given a choice to do what U really wanted. 

They were definitely stunned by this. But I made my point crystal clear. They agreed to let me go places while listening to music. 

After that I watched ParaNormine and took a shower sense my girlfriend was coming over. I can't believe that no one noticed but I cut my hair after brushing it. I don't really like my long hair. I didn't cut all the way but more so like a trim. I did shit but no one noticed the difference. Wow.

Yesterday I broke up with my girlfriend Heidi while she was still visiting my house. I told her that I want to be in a relationship but also don't and I'm not ready for one at the time like I thought I was. And said that I believe we would be better off as friends. She took it quite easy actually. She didn't cry or get mad, nothing. She didn't mind us just being friends for the now. 

...

I didn't know how to respond to that. 

Me and my family are moving back to Virginia in six weeks. Going to be 5 weeks tomorrow.