The Rebound

Chapter 5

When everything goes well

When everything goes well you find that people start popping up in your life, like a porthole we invite them in. I am at my happiest alone but somehow you'll find someone popping up to give you the hope of something new only for them to retract their feelings when things tend to take a turn. If telling people how we feel makes them run from us or complain that we are "too clingy" then we aren't the problem and they just don't want that. They say they not used to being loved that is a lie. They just don't want us. They want that from a different person but they keep us around until we break down and abandon us once they realise they no longer need us or that they have found their someone. It's awful being a place holder.

It's also sad that I, even with my logic of the outcome still have hope that is non existent, you can't give these people the benefit of the doubt. If you have a gut instinct he isn't good odds are he isn't. It's a gift if you have that ability to read the signals, so use it. Cut off as soon as that feeling washes over you cause it isn't worth holding on. It isn't worth feeling unwanted and it isn't worth explaining to the person who is causing you this pain how unwanted they make you feel.

I find that I'm always searching for a person in other people and I get pieces of them but not all of them. So who am I looking for and why search? I wasn't looking till they walked into my world. And, then suddenly I found myself search for something in them that could attach me to this nostalgic feeling, a feeling that gave me life and through their words and the little things they did it would remind me of the person that I never met yet or maybe the person that I'd like to meet. So I went with the wrongs cause it was the closest thing to the person that wasn't there yet. Ironically, that made every bad decision of a guy I ever made a place holder just as I was to them and that would mean I'd be a contradiction however, I went in with good intentions not bad ones and I have not a clue what they went in with.

I hated the feeling of being a new toy, they play with you only to dispose of you later and yeah basically a place holder, only there for the convenience and nothing else. Once an inconvenience you are replaceable. However, for me I didn't see it as that. They weren't my new toy. They were a person I invested my time into to try and uplift and grow together even though they clearly didn't want that, let alone from me. If they don't open up to you they don't want you and I felt that time and time again. When they close off it's already a sign but yet we always doubt and think they'll come around only for them to go to another and so I find myself saying, "screw portholes from guys who appear in my life when I am at my happiest."

To be continued...