In The Maze

Chapter five Newt

This chapter goes into detail about Newt's depression, so if that could trigger you, skip the first portion. I've had depression ever since I was 5 and I tried to put those feelings into words. Not sure how well I did since it can be difficult to explain, but I tried.
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"(Y/N) seems to be settling in well." Minho sat down across from me and started eating his dinner. He took a bite of his mashed potatoes then looked at me expectantly. "You aren't eating?"

I shook my head then turned my gaze back towards the kitchen where (Y/N) was currently helping Frypan cook and serve everyone. I'd gotten used to sitting with her during meals, and her absence hurt more than I expected it to. "Not hungry."

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Newt, come on. Your metabolism is like, super fast. And you always work hard." His features pinched into a disappointed glare. "Too hard. You need to shucking eat, man."

Minho and I had this conversation almost every day. As a runner, he wasn't in the Glade when everyone else ate breakfast or lunch; unless it was his day off. But at dinner, we always sit together. We have ever since he came up in the box. It gave us time to discuss the days we had and talk about whatever came to mind. It was something I had come to look forward to. At least for a time.

I don't know what triggered it; the sadness and anger that constantly plagued me. The weight that rested on my chest and shoulders and never left no matter what I did. It was as if a hole had been carved into my heart, leaving it fractured and broken with the pieces scattered to the wind, never to be found again. Parts of me were missing. And I didn't lose all of them in the Glade. Even when I first arrived here, I knew something was off. That something was missing; making me a shell of my former self.

I dealt with it at first, like I assume I did before the maze. But things only seemed to get worse. Maybe it was the near-constant worrying, poor living conditions, and being caught in the same bloody routine day after day. Being stuck in an unsolvable maze certainly didn't help. After a while, I just... lost hope. The sadness progressed into despair and the anger turned into this hollow ache that I swear I can feel in every fiber of my being.

I couldn't tell Minho or Alby, or anyone for that matter. They don't need to be burdened with my problems. I was already taking up too much of their time. We're all in the same boat; it's my fault that I can't handle it. Besides, I don't think I could put my feelings into words even if I wanted to.

"I'm just not hungry, Minho," I responded honestly. My appetite fled whenever my mood plummeted and I couldn't find it in myself to eat. I didn't have the energy for it, as odd as it might sound. Everything just seemed like a chore. It took all of my willpower to simply get up each morning.

But, if I'm honest with myself, things have marginally improved since (Y/N) arrived.

She's funny, sarcastic, a hard worker, and bold, yet gentle and kind. Her intrinsic beauty is undeniable and I can't help but be drawn to her. My eyes wander to her unconsciously and I have to force myself to look away. The last thing I want is for her to notice me staring and be weirded out. We've developed a friendship over the past few days, a bond I hold close to my heart, and I would never do anything to jeopardize it.

(Y/N) is something unique and powerful that none of us have seen before. Someone I'm grateful to have in my life and who could change the Glade for the better. After such a short time, she already seems to be changing me.

Spending time with (Y/N) has become the highlight of my day and I find myself looking forward to hanging out with her, regardless of what we do. Just the mere sight of her is enough to send the butterflies in my stomach soaring and makes my hands go all sweaty. Whenever I'm with her I feel lighter, as if the depressive weight in my chest has been lifted some.