whipped

You Are My Sunshine

I sit in my room trying to block out the hateful comments in my head telling me to do bad things. They just keep coming though. Sucking me into the thought of of just ending what I started a year ago. I scream hitting my head with my hand while crying trying to get it to stop.

Why do you even try?

No one loves you.

If you do it no one will care.

Do you really think you can beat me.

Your too weak.

I walk over to the bathroom trying to find some strong medication but finding only Tylenol. I sigh going back to my room but bumping into Calum instead.

"Shay what do you think your doing?" He asks even though he knows the answer.

I look down at my fingers not wanting him to find out and tell mom. I don't want to have to go back to having weekly sessions with the psychiatrist again.

"Are the voices back again?" He picks my chin up looking me in the eye. I look at him for a while not saying anything before falling into him sobbing into his shoulder.

He rubs my back holding onto to me trying to calm me down as I cry for what feels like hours. After I calm down a litte bit he breaks me away from his shoulder and picks me up bridal style.

He brings me back to his room placing me under the covers and tucking me in. I watch him silently as he goes and gets my favorite movie Perks Of Being A Wallflower and puts it into the DVD player.

He then comes over to the bed and climbs under the covers also bringing me close to him as we watch he movie. We laugh at all of the funny parts and I of course cry at the sad parts. Before you know it the movie was over leaving me still crying.

Cal looks over at me and sighs wiping away my tears grinning. "You cry everytime we watch that movie."

I just shrug my shoulders and he laughs shaking his head. We sit like that for awhile as he looks out the window looking deep in thought.

"Why do you have to like Luke" he finally says looking back at me with sad eyes.

I look at him for a while trying to think of an answer. "Because he makes me feel wanted"

I watch his reaction as he cringes at my words. "I care, why dont you think I care?"

"Because you have everything you want Cal. The pretty fans, the fame, your best friends. You have everything you ever wished for. So why would you waste time caring about me?"

He looks at me for a while before grabbing my hand and pulling me up so we would be eye level. "Shay I wouldn't want any other sister but you. Your not just my sister but also my best friend. You've been there for me all this time and I can't thank you well enough. You were the one who supported my dreams and didn't think I was stupid for wanting to make it big."

He gave me a small smile before continuing "When I got that call from mom telling me you were in the hospital because of Eric, I knew it was all my fault. I was the one who set you two up and trusted him with my baby sister. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for what I did." I watch as a tear rolled down his cheek before he quickly wiped away not wanting me to see.

"Then when I came to see you and found you on the ground surrounded by pills I thought I lost you Shay. I thought to myself why did you let this happen you idiot? It took all my strength to not lose hope and to call for help. I knew that you would be mad at me for bringing you back into this cruel world but I couldn't stand the thought of losing you."

"I knew you had a chance in this world to reach the stars and I wasnt going to allow Eric to ruin it for you. All those nights that I got up at 3 in morning to comfort you when you woke up screaming. It was worth it. Because I still at least had you in my life."

Once he was done I was crying too and I hugged him telling him over and over again that it wasn't his fault.
"Your the best brother in the world Cal." He smiles at me hugging me even harder I start gasping for air. Once he realized he quickly lets go mumbling a quick sorry.

"Shay do you remember that song I used to sing to you to get you to fall asleep?" I nod my head smiling remembering the sweet memories of all the things he used to do to make me happy.

He goes and get his guitar sitting across from me before strumming his guitar.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy, as skys are gray

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

So please dont take my shunshine away

Once he finishes I smile at him thanking the lord for giving me such an amazing brother. I hugged him and we talked for another 10 minutes until he brought up the subject i've been waiting for.

"Shay, I know you like Luke, but I just don't think your ready to date again yet." He said maiking my smile disappear.

"Oh." Is all I reoilied back looking down at my hands fidgeting with them, tryin not to look disappointed.

"I'm really sorry Shay, I jut don't want to see you hurt again. It's onky been a couple years." I nodd my head telling him I understood before I got up going to my room.

"Hey bug come back here!" He yelled running into my room giving me another tight, warm hug.

"I love yah sis." He said smiling pinching my cheeks to get me to smile. I did, sayin I love you back with the fakest smile I could make, hoping he wouldn't notice.

Once we went out of the room I went over to my bed with one thing on my mind. I was going to going to be with Luke, no matter if he liked it or not.

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Hello lovlies. Sorry I haven't updated for a while. I've been distracted lately but I promise I'll update again soon.

Xoxo-Kenzie