A Heart of Truth (Book 2 in the Heart of Series)

15

He never came back....at least not that I know of. Before ten minutes of waiting, I fell asleep with aching arms.

I couldn't stop scratching myself after he left, chanting those words over and over again. 'Stupid. Dramatic. Stupid. Dramatic. Stupid. Dramatic.'

Over and over and over and over. I was so obsessed with making myself feel important that not once since I woke up in this hospital room, Had I asked anyone about themselves.

Not even a simple question like 'how was your day' or 'have you had lunch' came out of my mouth.

So, if I had to ask myself...did I deserve it? Did I deserve to have this life? My answer would be simple, a simple yes would always be my answer.

It was a fact, it was known, why not accept it as it is?

"-ma, are you up?" I frowned, slowly opening my eyes as I yawned. I looked over my shoulder to see Yamamoto sitting beside Kuroo who had been sitting on the edge of the bed. I subconsiously moved my leg away from him, hoping that he didn't notice.

Of course, he did. A frown replacing his small smile that was on his face. I bit my lip, feeling the guilt that had been in my heart.

I pulled the covers that were covering my arms closet to me, realizing that I probably had scars from last nights...breakdown.

"Are you hungry? Kuroo brought some food but you fell asleep, he covered you up." Yamamoto mumbled.

He covered me up? Does that mean that he saw them? No...he looks fine...

I glanced over at Kuro who had been staring down at his hands quietly. "Thank you..Kuro." I softly smiled, trying to cheer him up.

He looked up at me before giving me a small smile. "No problem." He smiled. "We talked to the doctors earlier." He whispered.

I slowly sat up, feeling interested in the conversation. "They said that you can go home today. The offer of reporting this to the-"

"It's fine...Um..I would like to go home.." I quickly murmured. He paused for a while before giving me yet another small smile.

"Okay.."

****

The ride back home wasn't long, as always, but the silence made it so much longer.

My mother sat in the passenger seat staring straight ahead with no type of emotion as Kaede's eyes stayed on the road.

Kuroo had also been in the car with us, convincing Kaede that he would just walk back home.

No one said a word, making the ride a seem a little longer than usual.

Did they feel uncomfortable around me? Is that what it is?

I bit my lip harshly, watching as I dug my nails into my skin. Blood slowly started to seep onto my arms but that didn't stop me.

I paused, looking at the hand that covered my arms. Letting myself sigh quietly, I look up at Kuroo, ignoring the thoughts of him touching me.

"Sorry..I just-"

"It's fine, Kenma. It's not your fault." Kuroo whispered, trying his best to give me a smile but failing miserably.

I knew that he wanted to cheer me up but we both had to accept that it wasn't going to work anymore.

"But, it is..." I whispered, looking down at his hand that still layer on top of mine. I felt tears start to well up in my eyes, blocking my vision.

I chewed at my gums harshly before slowly pulling my hand away from his embrace. He didn't say anything, he just stared down at his hand.

I let a tear fall as I curl up into myself, leaning against the window. "I love you Kenma.." He whispered.

I sobbed quietly, trying to control my breathing. "I-..." I hesitated , hugging myself tighter and more tears fell down my face.

Why did I have to hesitate? I love him, I really do but...
I just can't say it anymore...how could I love someone when I wasn't being loyal to him?
Sure, it wasn't consensual but at the end of the day, I enjoyed it..

I was a moaning mess, my body had betrayed me and I couldn't do anything but deal with it.

I had cheated...and I don't deserve someone like Kuroo...I never did and I never will..

None of the friends deserved it...none of them..

They would be better without me after all...

If I would've just...finished myself off before, it wouldn't have gotten this far...

I can't even blame anyone but myself, I lead him on... I was nice to him, I hung out with him, it was obvious that I was the one in the wrong.

Maybe I said or did something that made him think that way of me, or made him do it...

Of course, that's the only way it made sense. The only way..

I'm not sure when I fell asleep but I woke up feeling terrible. The tears dried themselves a while ago, making my face feel a little stiff.

I'm not sure how I got in my room but I was at the end of the day. I could smell pot roast, quickly guessing that it was dinner.

My room window had been closed, the curtains blocking out the sunset. My pillow was on the floor while blankets was no where to be found.

I blink slowly, pulling my knees up to my chest.  I wanted to get up but my body said differently. My muscles were aching while my head pounded harshly against my skull.

My mouth was terribly dry but I didn't care. The only thing that I was thinking about what him.

Where was Kuroo? Did he leave already or was he helping out downstairs? I didn't want to sound too needy but I needed him.

I wanted Kuroo to be here, to cheer me up. I wanted his embrace even if it was just for a little while.

But I knew that I couldn't, I wouldn't because I didn't deserve someone like him to hug me. To embrace me like there was no tomorrow.

I had to accept that..I had to accept the fact that he was better without me. He had been happy when he was away, meanwhile I was the one bringing him down.

Maybe....we shouldn't...do this..

The book is almost over-

That's pretty sad😀

Anyway, sorry for the long wait, I decided to put the other books on hold while I finish this one.

But, thankfully, I have been doing better with my mental health so far, so I'm looking forward to completing this book soon!

Until then...❤️