i had finally forced ashtray to watch vampire diaries , he doesn't like it very much.
"nice ring." "oh. uhh it's a family ring." "yeah , kinda stuck with it." "it's weird huh ?" "no , no." "it's just- i mean there are rings and then there's.. that."
"that's so corny." ashtray has been leaving little comments here and there , bad comments.
"it's the first episode." i shook my head , turning back to the tv.
"and it's ass."
"so what he's the bad brother or some shit ?" he asked me , talking about damon.
"pretty much." i nodded.
i laughed watching ashtrays face , he looked disgusted watching stefan and elena stare at each other in class.
i turned to me , shaking his head.
"who walks into some random dudes house." ashtray rolled his eyes at elena.
time passed , almost 2 hours. he said it was dumb and he didn't like it , so we stopped watching it after too long.
"have you ever had a girlfriend ?" i asked him out of no where.
he turned to me , making a weird face. "why do you wanna know ?"
i shrugged , "i'm just wondering if you have or not."
he shook his head , "no."
i turned his direction , "really ? i thought you were a player."
"the fuck ?" he said , squinting his eyes at me.
"what ? you look like one." i joked.
"have you ever had a boyfriend ?" he reversed the question.
"no." i answered truthfully. i was scared of relationships , people are weird and pushy and also just because that's scary , i don't know.
i've had a "boyfriend" before , it didn't last over 30 days. so i don't count that as a real relationship.
"really ? i thought you were a hoe." ashtray mocked me.
i rolled my eyes , "shut up."
"what ? you look like one." he continued.
i shook my head , leaning farther into the couch.
"so you haven't had your first kiss ?" i ignored him mocking me.
he shook his head.
i nodded , that's a shocker. honestly i thought even if he hasn't had a girlfriend , he could've kissed someone random and didn't date them.
"you have ?" he squinted his eyes.
"no." i answered , waiting for him to make fun of me.
but he just nodded.
i liked talking to ashtray , no matter what way we were talking , i just liked listening to him talk.
he didn't talk to me much , but when he did i enjoyed every second of it.
i don't know if it was the fact i had a crush on him , that was making him more interesting to me. or what.
the thing is , i want a boyfriend. i want to experience the whole thing. but i can't stand having to constantly wonder if they actually like me for me , or just the overthinking. i overthink constantly for someone who i'm not even dating , imagine if i was dating them.
also the fact that most guys want one thing now days , they don't care about what i have to say or me , they care about getting in my pants. loosing their virginity or taking mine. just so they can say they aren't a virgin or saying they took mine.
so yeah , i want a relationship. but i'm not looking for someone to be in one with , im letting it just come to me.
i don't think guys are THAT important , i don't need one to live. some people act like their gonna die if their not in a relationship , i don't.
it's not like i need someone , but i like thinking about someone falling in love with me and everything in that category.
i want something real , something that'll last more than 30 days.
i hate that when i'm thinking about all of this , my mind goes to ashtray.
when i think about a relationship or having my first kiss , ashtrays in my mind.
i don't hate the idea , i actually like it.
i'm just scared , scared of getting hurt.
because i feel like we're two different people , he could have no interest in me. while i have a huge crush on him , and i'm trying to get to know him more.
so every time i question if i'm gaining actual feelings for him , i say the answer is no. even if that isn't completely true , i don't want it to be true.
maybe i'm protecting myself , from what though ? i don't know. maybe heartbreak.
i think about me and him getting together , falling in love and eventually him being everything i want and need. but i truly don't think that will happen.
i don't think he sees me in that way , or even thinks about relationships at all.
maybe that's the problem , i'll be waiting for someone who isn't thinking about me at all.
i pulled myself out of my thoughts , laying my head on the side of the couch while i watched tv with fez and ashtray.
AUTHORS NOTES.
kinda short , im thinking of more ideas for longer chapters rn.
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honestly , idk if i have a favorite. i like lexi but she was barely in it. and i like damon bc he's funny but he's also annoying sometimes. who's yours ?
