Men In Black - complete

Chapter 56

It was just two months shy of the Yule Ball (Dean's prediction being proven entirely correct) and a month after the mandatory dance classes.

Dean had proven competent enough to skip, so he finally used the one trick to his creature form he never had a chance to until now...the record prank. He put one claw on the record, and to the shock (and open amusement of the others), music began to play from his open mouth. Loki took pictures, once he was done laughing at the disbelieving expressions on the student's faces.

However a week before the ball, Dean hatched a plan that would have the girls hate him even more than they already did, or love him. Either way Loki thought it was pretty damn hilarious. The only ones being left out in the 'cold' so to speak, were the Slytherins and the Bulgarians, and that was because they didn't have a transfer student with them.

Dean was using the telepathic link between him, Sam and Castiel to give the exact same speech to each of the three houses they had ended up in.

"Alright men, this is a big event for us. Now I'm sure you're all wondering why I dragged almost every guy in our dorms to this empty classroom. To be fair, almost every guy in Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw are going to hear the same speech in another room, so don't feel left out. Men, my goal is to get each and every one of you either a date for the ball or to get laid."

The guys stared at him for point two oh three seconds before they all grinned. Some even cheered.

"Here's my guide on how to get more ass than a toilet seat, if you catch my drift. Remember, there are some girls...or guys if that's your inclination...that this won't work on. Your job is to find a target and stick with it. Now, and this is important, under no circumstances are you to stare at Fleur Delacour if you do snag a date, unless she is your date."

"Why?" asked Ron dumbly.

"Girls, by and large, hate it when their guys look at other girls. It makes them feel unattractive and is almost guaranteed to get you slapped, even if Fleur can't help it because she's a quarter-Veela," said Dean knowingly, "They also don't like it if you stare at their breasts or ass unless you're acting like you're comparing them with another woman and decide that your date is hotter. Trust me, this is almost guaranteed to get you on their good side if you think they look better than the other one."

Fred and George nodded sagely at this advice.

"Anyway, never stare at another girl if you have a date. Next, if you have a girl in particular you like, and I mean really like, then for Merlin's sake do not perform stupid stunts to get their attention. It almost never works, or if it does, it's usually the bad kind. Fred, George, you're best bet for dates are girls who like guys with a great sense of humor," said Dean, looking at the twins.

"What about those too shy to ask a girl out?" asked Neville. He fell into this category, but for some reason he felt comfortable around Dean and Sam, so he felt safe enough to ask this.

"In your case, you're probably not ready to get laid, but you could get a date with the shy girls or one of the lower years. I have it on good authority that Hannah Abbot and her best friend both think you're cute," said Dean immediately. This came from his knowledge of what happened when he was Harry. Neville married Susan Bones, but he heard that was only because she got to him before Hannah did. "Play your cards right and you might end up with girlfriends who don't mind sharing."

"What about those too nervous to ask anyone?" asked Harry.

"Do not under any circumstances date a fan girl. It never ends well and it only encourages their stalking efforts," said Dean flatly. If he could keep Harry from marrying Ginny, he would consider this mishap entirely worth it. "If need be, I can have Cas and Sam find the girls who don't have dates among the Hogwarts bunch, but you're on your own with the French."