Since It's Gone Quiet

chapter 16 - tears

- - - - RILEY - - - -
hardest part (bluegrass version) - noah cyrus

As each day passed, I was hopeful that I would begin to heal more and feel a little bit better. But just like the weather outside, I was gloomy and grey.

The first week or two after Liam and I's breakup, I felt surprisingly happy. I hung out with Layla and Hope, got lunch after class with Mason, and aced my psychology exam. I was doing things that I enjoyed, and I was beginning to feel content being by myself.

I hadn't been this independent for years, and I was finally starting to realize how much I enjoyed my freedom.

But then Halloween weekend came, and I found myself tucked away in my bedroom, scrolling through Instagram. That's when I saw it.

Liam's Instagram, which recently became free of any and all pictures indicating a six-year relationship, had a new post. A girl from our hometown was sprawled across Liam's lap, and his hand was wrapped around her back. His hand was wide open, and his palm was resting on her barely clothed ass. Both of them were dressed in boring costumes but had the biggest grins on their faces as they stared at the camera.

Liam looked so at peace with the blonde on his lap, and any trace of our breakup was invisible. He definitely seems to be handling our breakup better than I am. 

I should've just kept scrolling when I saw the picture, but I couldn't help myself from analyzing every aspect of it. I found myself thinking about when the two got together or if she was just a one-night stand. Or if Liam had even been faithful during our relationship. Now, anytime I think about the picture - or even Liam in general - an uneasy wave of nausea washes over me.

"Riley?" Hope's voice was soft as she stood at the bottom of the basement stairs, but she still managed to startle me.

"What's up?"

"We're getting ready to leave..." Hope took a brief pause before speaking again. "Are you sure you don't want to come with us?"

Connor's high school jersey number was getting retired this weekend, so Hope and everyone else were heading back to their hometown for the ceremony. All of my roommates were ecstatic - even AJ - and have been talking nonstop about the ceremony all week. They invited me to tag along as well, but it felt like too special of a moment for me to interrupt.

"I'm good, H."

Hope sighed. "Riley, please."

"I'll see you on Sunday." I turned my attention back to whatever reality show was playing on the TV. "Text me when you get there."

My heart ached as Hope's footsteps got quieter as she ascended the stairs. I know she doesn't want to push me over the edge, but I so badly wanted her to pack my bag and force me to get in the car and go with them. But for some reason, I found myself wallowing under my covers and sulking instead.

Recently, I feel like I've been doing a whole lot of sulking, and that's about it. The past couple of days have genuinely felt like an out-of-body experience. Almost like I've been floating and just watching myself and everyone else around me from up above.

I have really been struggling to make sense of this new hurt that I have been experiencing. Last week, I was happy and enjoying the little moments that each day brought. Now, my body feels almost numb, my appetite has vanished, and it's a miracle if I can get up for class in the morning.

I don't know how or what to do to make myself feel better anymore.

The only thing bringing me a sliver of peace and comfort is the idea of going home to Coral Bay for Thanksgiving. I only have two weeks until my flight leaves, and I am honestly counting down the hours until I'm back home. I can't wait to wake up to the sound of my grandpa humming in the kitchen while he cooks breakfast and my grandma brewing her morning cup of coffee. I crave the sound of the foamy waves crashing against the sand and the seagulls crying overhead.

I yearn for home.

But the thought of returning back to Troyvens Creek after Thanksgiving break zapped the happy feeling that bloomed in my chest. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to pack all my stuff up in my car and drive home and never come back.

I hated that feeling because for so long Troyvens Creek has felt like my home. This school has been my safe haven, and I can't imagine myself anywhere else. I've found my best friends here and have loved all of my professors and classmates. It was my dream to become a student here and yet now I feel so lost being here.

I felt a tear trickle down my cheek as I thought about just how much my life has changed over the course of the past couple of months.

How can you go from being someone's person – their significant other of six years – to nobody in a matter of weeks? It doesn't make sense to me, and no matter how hard I try to remind myself that all this pain and hurt that I've been feeling will dissipate in the next few months, it doesn't help. 

Every time I close my eyes, Liam's face and all of our memories flash in front of me. The good ones, the bad ones, and everything in between.

Driving up and down the coastline with the windows down and our joined hands resting on the center console. Our first argument. The two of us fishing off of the pier with my brothers. Liam surprising me with flowers while I was working at my grandpa's restaurant. Our first kiss.

All I wanted was to wake up and find out that this was all a part of some sick joke. But deep down, I knew that he was never coming back and I think that made everything feel so much worse.

The one thing that I had feared for the last six years had finally come true and I had no idea how I was going to recover from it.