Since It's Gone Quiet

chapter 4- worthless

---- RILEY ----

if it makes you happy - wesley shultz 

I spent practically all Monday night and Tuesday overanalyzing every single post on my Instagram. Did I have too many bikini pictures from this past summer? Were the pictures even cute? Or did I look like I had just crawled up from the deepest depths of hell?

Mason's follow request shouldn't have gotten me as flustered as it did. 

Honestly, it made sense for him to follow me. We have several mutual friends, and having one another's social media would probably come in handy if we keep sitting next to each other in class.

"He what?!" Layla and Hope shrieked.

As soon as I told them Mason had requested to follow me, they nearly jumped over the kitchen counter and tackled me.

"Please tell me you accepted it."

"No, not yet." I swivel in my seat at the counter and turn towards Layla. Her lips are turned downwards in a pout, and her brows are furrowed.

"Why not?"

"I don't know." I bite down on my lip as I pause. "What if he thinks I'm ugly or something? Or what if Liam... never mind."

"Why does it bother you so much? He literally sits next to you in your class." Layla exclaims. She begins to pace around the kitchen, going on and on about how I should have accepted Mason's request the minute I got the notification. 

Hope, on the other hand, is just staring at me. I can feel her reigning in on her mom superpowers and analyzing my every move.

"What were you going to say about Liam?" Hope questions.

"Nothing."

"You think he would be mad if he saw Mason following you, don't you?" Her voice is quiet but sharp. Hope can read me like an open book, and she knows she is right.

"I just don't think he would like it, that's all," I mumble, highly aware of the blush coating my cheeks as both Layla and Hope turned toward me.

"Riley," Hope sighs. "That's not okay. He seriously can not get mad that you're making friends. He is 1,500 miles away. You have to be friends with someone other than him."

I despise the way Layla and Hope are looking at me right now. 

Their eyes are full of pity and a little bit of desperation like they are pleading with me to see their reasoning.

Looking down at my lap, I anxiously pull on my fingers. "I don't want Liam to think I would cheat on him, though."

"For fuck's sake, Riles! You have been dating him for six years now. Shouldn't he be comfortable enough in your relationship to know you won't cheat on him?" Layla cries out.

"He is comfortable. I mean, he let me come to Troyven's Creek."

"He let you? Riley, you shouldn't feel like you need Liam's permission to do anything."

Hope peers at me from across the kitchen counter with sorrowful eyes. "Riley, I know how much you love him, but you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around him."

"I know," my voice cracks. "Liam just gets so... intimidating when he gets upset. I feel like it is easier not to do things that make him upset rather than feel guilty for doing something wrong."

The anxiety pumping through my body right now is almost enough to make me bend over and puke on the kitchen floor.

I hate talking about the weaknesses in Liam and I's relationship. Incessantly trying to validate my relationship makes me feel vulnerable and honestly embarrassed.

"Riley, he's your boyfriend. You should not feel like you have to apologize for living your life. You're at your dream college, and you should be having a blast. Worrying about whether or not accepting a follow request will upset your boyfriend is not healthy. It in no way, shape, or form is a priority." Hope's voice is full of emotion as she speaks. 

"I know, it's just so hard to talk about this stuff over the phone. I wish I could see Liam in person when we needed to have conversations like this."

"Babe," Layla walks around the kitchen and wraps her arms around my waist. "Distance or not, he should trust you."

~~

That night as I lie in bed, Layla and Hope's words keep circling in my head. I can't help but think of all the times Liam has gotten upset with me about minor things; not picking up the phone, not answering a text message, and posting pictures in skimpy bathing suits. Stupid stuff that shouldn't matter. I usually don't think much of it, honestly. To me, Liam is just being Liam.

But as I watched Connor and Hope seamlessly cook dinner in our tiny kitchen earlier, I couldn't help but notice how perfectly they went together. Connor is Hope's biggest fan, and equally, she is his. He doesn't freak out over a missed phone call or text, and if Hope posts a picture in a skimpy bikini, he is the first one to comment on her post. Hell, he is even raising a baby that isn't his while playing D1 football. Their love for each other is endless.

Every fiber in my body craved to feel that with Liam again.

I long for the comfort that Liam used to bring me. I want to feel appreciated for the little things that I do. I want to wake up in the morning knowing that I have someone in my corner that is dependable and willing to do anything for me. I want to be able to tell Liam anything without the fear that he would lash out at me. I want to feel loved.

I know that long distance is the ultimate test for a relationship. But Liam and I have been doing it for the majority of the past four years, and it has never been this hard. We have always found a way to work through our disagreements and be happy. But then again, I have never had so much doubt in Liam, and I's relationship. 

I have never felt so worthless.