Are you in the right Bathroom? (FtM Transgender)

Chapter Twelve - 2015 Here I Come!

A/N Glad you're all still with me 

- Hunter

Chapter Twelve - 2015 Here I come!

I'm thinking the same thing that I thought last New Year's Eve and that was me kissing Louise just as the clock struck 12 for the new year. But the thing is, Louise isn't here with me, just as last year. The reason she isn't here with me is because of the fact that she's partying in the city with her mum. Probably at some pub pretending that it is a club of some sort. I've never really asked her what she does normally on New Year's Eve. I just know that she goes into the city and has a good time. She always reports back to me when she gets home about all the guys that looked at her, wolf whistled her and so on. Lot's of guys have one look at Louise normally and they straight away like her. Where as there is me, who just seems like the dumb fuck loser without a dick and a pair of balls. I can't even stand up for myself without Louise having to do so for me then breaking down afterwards because she then understands all the shit that I have to go through.

So I'm just standing here next to my mother. She's got her camera out ready to take pictures of the fireworks that'll be going off any minute now. But all I'm thinking about is what this year will bring. Will it bring hope? I don't know, maybe... I guess I'll just have to wait and see. But one thing that I've really been praying for is that I won't have to go through another summer with my top half. I don't know why. But this summer has been terrible. My dysphoria for my top half has just been over the top. I can't even stand looking down at my chest anymore without thinking to myself that I've got boobs, yet no one can secretly see them. But since I've only got a binder that heats up pretty quickly I haven't been able to wear it as often as I would like to. Because I just get too hot, I overheat and then I end up having to sit down just so I don't pass out.

Such a strong man I am. The fireworks display has started and at first I'm staring at the fireworks display in amazement but then my mind gets back to the thoughts and I'm just living in the moment, but I'm still distracted by my thoughts. I'm like multitasking. Hopefully this year may be better than last year. That's what I really wish for right now. A sign of hope that maybe I'll have a good year and not one that'll disappoint me like the last few previous years. Ever since year 8 at school I've been feeling out of place and like I'm not the right person. I remember the start of year 8 being really great, I was confident outgoing and I made everyone smile around me. I made a whole new group of friends too. Now that was a bonus. I'd never had real friends before. But then when I hit year 9 I lost my confidence and I didn't know who I was anymore. I'd lost myself and I made sure that I was isolated from others and that I really focused on my school work.

Then when year 10 came, all the changes of classes that I was familiar with changed. I was with completely different people and the one crush that I believed that I had fallen in love with. The one that I truly desired and wanted was in my class. She made me happy, I loved hearing her voice. She was always smiling and that was one thing that helped get me through this year. She was always there for me when I needed to talk to her too. She knows a lot more than what most of my friends know, including Christina. I've told her everything. Nothing was kept from her, except for the fact that I had strong deep emotional feelings for her. Sometimes I swore to myself that she was the love of my life. I'd just needed to change my whole body and personality for her. Although the girl that I like is all for me being transgender and all, she isn't remotely interested in dating one of them. So all chances have been lost and the battle is no longer worth fighting for if you ask me and yes I'm thinking all these things while I'm still in a relationship with Louise because she has been such a bitch to me lately.  Honestly starting to think that I'd be so much better off without her.  

The fireworks are going off with big bangs, you can hear some dogs howling and I can see some here right now trying to run away from the horrible loud banging sounds they're hearing. I feel sorry for the poor little things, just whimpering wanting to get away from the noise that is causing them pain. I wonder how many dogs go missing when it comes to New Year's Eve? A few, maybe more. I'm not sure, but I do feel sorry for them. Some dogs are probably lucky they can't hear as well to hear the noise of fireworks. The finale is coming up and my mother is smiling. And yet here I am thinking about how great my life could be if my parents just accepted me for the way that I am now.

I watch the beauty of the fireworks, how they rise up into the air like shooting stars, they burst and display beauty and then they just disappear into stardust like nothing was there. I'm pretty much explaining a star's life through the form of watching a fireworks display. But it's true. They're like stars fireworks are. The colours are amazing when they burst in the sky. I like the green colour that shows the most when looking at fireworks. The displays in Sydney are pretty spectacular. Always big and bold, in competition with the rest of the world. The fireworks are literally the big bang to the end and the beginning of two separate years. How amazing is that. I've got all the time left in the world to think, and I happen to be thinking most now.

When the last of the fireworks display has disappeared into the dark night sky my mother and I look each other and then start to walk back home on the road. Because the road has been blocked off for all cars so we're free to roam about. Police are on high alert and aren't letting anything get in their way because nothing can really ever get past them. A lot of people drink on New Year's Eve and get drunk and then you find them on the curve throwing their guts up and spraying their vomit over everything. Not a good view, but it is what happens. My mother and I are walking down the main street. Until I feel my foot step in horse shit. Thankfully it wasn't the wet shit, it was dry, so it didn't stick to my shoe. But I still went over to the grass to wipe off the excess from the sole of my shoe.

Great way to start the new year eh, just casually walking into horse shit. My mother is laughing at me and I'm laughing with her. The police horses are quite cute, the nice grey colour, so I don't really care about accidentally stepping in what they left behind. I'd pat one if I could, but I don't want to be arrested for approaching a police horse without permission. I see the big police vehicles with the place on the back when they put people under arrest. Which sorta sucks, but anyway. There are so many around. Let's go on a tour, to your left you will see four people fighting about who the actual guy is dating and then they both end up making out with him for a short period of time. Weird, I know. Now on your right you will see two police officers with their horses standing over two drunk guys. Telling them to sit down. Then one of the drunk guys hits the horse and the officer jumps down and handcuffs the stupid idiot. Never go against the police would be my advice. You won't end up in so much trouble then. Then again to our left you can see all the teenage pot smokers. And that is the end of your tour.

"Want to get some pizza?" My mother asks me.

"Sure." I reply.

We walk into the pizza shop just a few streets away from home, we order a small one for me which is Margarita and a small gluten free one for my mother which is meat lovers. I think I'm a vegetarian, I don't like eating meat as much anymore. It just seems to be a bit too much for me, some meat I just don't like eating and then I think my father has put me off it because of the way that he gets shitty with me for only eating sausages and not like actual pork cuts and stuff like that. He gets so angry that he makes me not want to eat it because he's staring at me and not leaving me alone to just eat my meal by myself without the pressure of my parents.

When the pizza is ready my mother and I walk home quickly to get into eating our food. I haven't eaten pizza in ages and it tastes so good. Maybe I should stay with my diet. But tonight is to a new year so I no longer care, I'll get back on to my diet tomorrow. I'll go for my 6.00am run which is in like 5 hours time. So once I've finished my pizza I throw away the box in the recycling bin and then get ready for bed. Teeth are brushed, smile looking good. Body looks okay, not getting too much bigger. Daggy clothes make me look good. Goodnight sexy, I say to myself, kissing my fingers and then placing them on my mirror self.  Gosh I'm such a flirt with myself some days.