A transgender (ftm) called James (Hunter) is trapped in the body of a female, this story is about all his struggles and problems. He is only 15 years old, he is out to his parents, but they don't support him. His school barely manages to support h...
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A/N Just going to give you all a trigger warning with this chapter as it's quite intense and it is talking about my suicide attempt. So enjoy chapter eighteen.
- Hunter
Chapter 18 - The Failed Attempt
I'm pulling up my socks over my shin pads, ready for the two games I have to play today as the goal keeper from division 4 has hurt her hand seriously badly. Always filling in for other players in my club. Sadly, at some point I'll not be allowed to play for them anymore because I'll be dead by the end of this year. Because no one gives two fucks about me, I'm no longer attached to a girlfriend, I'm just all by myself. Alone and unloved because of the thing that I am. I'm a monster that no one loves, I'm just a freak of nature that doesn't belong anywhere. I'm lost and I cannot be found. I can't even remember the last time my parents told me they loved me.
I grab my medication out of my bag. I get out the novorapid that I plan on using today to kill myself. I'm going to give myself 30 units before the game and another 30 units after my game, hoping to pass out during my division 4 game. That way I am absolutely positive that my drug overdose will kill me. The reason that I've decided to do it today and where I am doing what I have to is because I'm actually appreciated by the club. They're the closest I feel that I have to a family. They love what I do for them and they somewhat understand all the pain that I'm going through. My coaches know who I really am and Lisa has a better understanding of me than Gianna, but they're slowly getting there. I've seen them as the people who have helped me get through everything. But now I've decided that it is enough. I'm sick of waiting.
I'm sick of the pain and the heartbreaks that I experience. It gets to me so much that I just want to rip open my chest and rip my heart out. Because then I'd be dead for sure. No more pain. I'd no longer be hurting anyone and people would be so much happier without me. Want to know how I know that? Because it's what people tell me, I'm always being told to kill myself, I'm always being called names and being teased for the thing that I am. I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS! I just want to be happy, but not even now I can do that. So instead I'm going to make everyone else happy. I'm sticking around the club until I pass out and the ambulance has to be called for me and then before I reach the hospital I'll be pronounced dead on arrival.
Starting to do the warm up now before the game begins. Chris is warming me up in goals, making sure that all my goal keeping techniques are correct and that I can't possibly lose this game for them. Since some days it is my fault if the team loses. Especially if they're easy goals to have gotten to. My ex-girlfriend knows what I've done and right now she is desperately trying to find a way to tell anyone but my parents about what I've done. Like she should try to stop me, she doesn't love me and she never did. She was just stuck in the fairy tale fantasy, I had just gotten a better grasp of reality. That I'm not a prince charming and that it wasn't real. Especially since she was dragging me away from the family that still hadn't given me the chance that I thought they would.
