Are you in the right Bathroom? (FtM Transgender)

Chapter Seventeen - The Down Fall

A/N Hello everyone, hope you're all doing well. Just note that this chapter does have a trigger warning as it can be quite intense.  

- Hunter

Chapter 17 – The Down Fall

Things have started to become quite hard for me lately.  Things between Christina and I didn't work out because of the way that I was reacting.  I just got so scared of how things between Louise and I would be if I went all out with Christina.  I guess it just wasn't meant to be.  But now I'm being such a dick to her.  I think it's because in my mind I'm thinking that it's her fault that Louise and I never worked out in the end.  I've got to stop blaming others for the problems that are my own.  Instead of getting them involved in them.  I'm just an arsehole.  

I remember the late night chats that I had with Christina about how I felt about her and how I was scared of what Louise would do to me if she figured out the real reason I left her was so that I could be with someone else that wasn't her.  But Louise had seen it coming.  Especially when I gave her a second commitment ring when I said out loud that I was thinking of breaking up with her.  That's now the memory that Louise has with that ring now.  Clearly that's my fault she thinks of that now.  But I wasn't interested in her anymore.  She made me feel like I had no control over my life.  That the control was all hers.  Although it really wasn't meant to be hers. I was her puppet.  

I believe that I tried getting back with Louise after Christina and I didn't work out well together.  I tried to prove myself so much to Louise that I was worth taking back.  But in doing so, I left all my friends, isolated myself from everyone.  But in doing that my grades started improving.  All the teachers thought that I was doing better, when in reality, mentally I wasn't doing well at all.  I was just demolishing myself from the inside to the out.  Ms Thursby had noticed that I was getting worse though, she was one of the two teachers that had noticed my change in behaviour.  Ms Clements had noticed too.  They saw me changing. 

Ms Thursby knew I was at my worst when she came to check up on me during my English class.  She wanted to see what I was doing.  But I had been crying that whole lesson due to the fact that I felt that I was getting nowhere and that the only family I had left was her.  That she was the remaining piece of me that gave me hope to keep on living through each day and know that maybe I do have a future.  What had gone through my mind during that English lesson was that I felt that I was getting nowhere and Louise was on my mind and talking to me.  Telling me how shit I was at being a faithful boyfriend.  I was over everything.  I wanted everything to end.  The medication was so close to me that I could almost feel every cell in my body calling to it, telling me to take it just to end everything and just move on to wherever else we go after we all die. 

But then Ms Thursby came down to see if I needed help with anything.  Then she saw the tears streaming down my face and she instantly reacted with love and concern.  I wanted her to become my mother.  I wanted to be a part of her family.  With her son, daughter and husband.  She's the understanding type and she helps you feel like you need to be a part of the life that you are living.  Ms Thursby means everything to me.  She took me out of class and I tried to avoid prying eyes.  But the only person I looked at before leaving the classroom was Gabrielle...  Ms Thursby made me sit outside and she wanted to talk to me.  I told her that I'd be fine in a minute, but she wasn't believing me.  She sat down next to me, put her arm around me and asked me what's wrong.  I told her nothing.  I said that nothing was wrong, that I was fine.  That I was doing well.  That I'd be fine. 

She still didn't believe me.  She probably wouldn't until I was you know...  Not crying.  I was only crying because I had had enough of the support that I wasn't receiving from my parents.  The support that I should've gotten three years ago when they thought that I was just going through a phase and that I'd eventually change my mind.  Well they were most certainly wrong. Ms Thursby then told me that she'd need to call Ms Plum as I clearly wasn't talking.  When Ms Plum came up to collect me Ms Thursby said that she'd get all my things together. Which was much appreciated by me.