Are you in the right Bathroom? (FtM Transgender)

Chapter Ten - Excuse me?

A/N Hey, hope you're all doing okay.  It's been a while since I've updated and I'd just like to apologise.  Here's your chapter ten that you've been waiting for.

- Hunter

Excuse me?

It's almost Christmas time, the time is coming up quickly and I feel like it's just going to be explosion to my head. I know I'll be getting girly stuff and it's going to actually hurt. Like I'm seriously going to be upset if I receive make up or anything girly or feminine. I just can't have it. But at least I'll have gifts to pass on to others when it comes to their birthdays as such. If you know what I mean.

Right now I'm meant to be doing last minute Christmas shopping. But I'm just not in the mood for it. I haven't been in the mood for anything lately due to the fact that the nightmares that I had a couple of nights ago still haunt me. The fear runs through me and I can't seem to get through the pain of it without thinking about it. Then the feeling goes away, it just disappears... Like it was never there, like my imagination is just playing with me. I don't understand why the dream felt so real and that scares me. Like I've experienced it before. It's like I'm emotionally unstable in my mind. The feelings were so real, the emotions just overwhelmed me and I couldn't handle it, I can't handle it.

Those nightmares are all that I've been thinking about. I'm so scared that I just don't know what to do with myself. Thankfully I'm still keeping myself in order. Like waking up everyday, talking to Louise casually not telling her all the real shit that is happening in my life. Just because she always gets the shits on whenever I do tell her stuff. She's never really that supportive of me when I'm at my worst state. She just makes me feel worse and like I have no where to belong. That's why most of the time I'm talking to my other friends, like Christina, Mene or Hannah. Because they're there for me and they care and support me like any person should.

Louise and I have been going through a rough patch too lately. So many arguments over the most stupidest of things. Some days I wish she'd just shut up and let me say what I need to say. But it always seemed to be that I'd get into more shit with her if I did. And I was just giving my opinion. She didn't care about what I needed to say. She was just being selfish and was taking care of herself. I'd always known that I was the one who put the most effort into this relationship. But now I'm just scared of Louise, yes I love her. But she's hurting me more and slowly she is losing me.

When school ended for this year it ended on a sort of positive note. Somewhere in the middle of the term where I was most unhappy about the uniform my mother caught on about me not being okay with wearing it and me taking days off school just to not have to wear the dress. I was that emotionally upset about it. My mother got really angry at first. But then she started growing on to the idea and I somehow got her to agree to letting me wear it everyday. Which was fucking amazing. Until I realised I didn't have the privilege that Lewis has which he can even wear it out on excursion. The lucky son of a bitch. I want to be just like him with being able to have my freedom by being transgender and not held back. But hopefully I can sort it out next year and maybe be able to go on excursions with it.

So I may have had a positive ending to the school year, but now I feel alone with the like two month holidays coming up. I can't deal with two months off school without seeing a smile on someone's face in the place I know that I'll be safe in and I won't lose my temper over being in. I'm going to be stuck with my parents 24/7 and I don't know what to do. I just want to live a happy young life. But my parents are stopping me in every single way.

Now all of a sudden I have the urge to go to the toilet. Just what I need. Stupid high blood sugar is making me need to pee like every thirty minutes. The only problem is I don't know what I'm passing better as today. Male or Female? My mother walks up behind me.