Dance with me darling

olivia

I release a breath that I feel like I've been holding in for hours when the phone call ends.

I've never been a bold person, I've never made the first move and I've never talked about my feelings in depth with someone. The only boyfriend I've ever had was an asshole, he hated affection and so he never once showed it, he never really said he loved me unless we got into an argument about something he did. When we first met, he was loving, he constantly complimented me and he did everything he could to make me feel cared for. He ruined my idea of a perfect relationship when he started accusing me of awful things, when he started cheating on me and telling me I was ugly and worthless. He changed my mindset completely, taught me that there was only one type of man: a piece of shit.

Sam came into my life at the right time. I was in a stage of hating every man who walks into my life, not really wanting to trust new people because of how badly I was treated by someone who I thought loved me, someone I loved with every fibre of my sixteen year old self. But Sam made me realise it's a stupid mindset to have, because he's an angel in human form and I don't need to carry on with the avoidance of love because I have him now.

I clutch my phone to my chest as I lay in bed, staring up at the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. And once again, I feel like a silly teenager with a crush. It's a good feeling, the butterflies and the nervousness, I haven't felt this way about anyone for years and I don't really want it to end, but part of me is wondering if the feeling will actually last. It's never really lasted before, and I have no idea if Sam is still going to love me the same way a few months down the line.

I don't know if he'll still feel the same way in three months when he comes back. What if he comes back and realised it was a mistake? What if he comes back and tells me he met someone else? The thoughts running through my mind are endless, I feel like I'm going insane at the idea of us falling apart again.

Long distance is hard when you love someone, I know that after seeing the pain Van went through when he was across the ocean and his ex girlfriend was here in London, he hated not being in sync with her, he hated not being able to call her before he went to bed to tell her that he loved her. He hated going months without seeing her, and finding out that she was mingling with other men while he was singing about his love for her to foreign crowds.

And it's one of my biggest fears now. I'm afraid that when Sam's band go on their own world tours, or when Van invites them on their's again, the same thing will happen. I'm afraid that he'll meet someone else, and I'll be sitting at home missing him so much that it physically hurts.

My phone erases the thoughts from my mind when it starts ringing and I pick it up from my chest to see Tara's name on the screen.

"Liv! Are you at work?" She squeals and it's so loud that I have to pull the phone away until she finishes speaking.

"No... why?" I ask, praying she isn't planning a night out. I'm too tired to step foot out of the house again today, I just want to lay in bed all day and ignore everything for a few hours.

"Good, me and Milly are on our way over, gonna stop and get Cass on the way... we're gonna have a proper girls' night" she sounds like an overexcited child and I can't help but sigh at the thought of staying up all night drinking wine and eating takeaways with the three of them.

I love them all dearly, but Tara is ignorant when it comes to me. She doesn't let me waste the day in bed or sit on the sofa watching Star Wars with little Mary. She's constantly making plans and forcing me to go out, I guess sometimes I appreciate it but this isn't one of those times. I'd much rather stay in bed, wrapped up in my duvet, allowing my mind to cloud over with the overwhelming giddiness I feel after my call with Sam.