Dance with me darling

olivia

We must've fallen asleep on the sofa because when I wake up and turn my head, the TV is still paused on the movie we started watching last night and my entire body is aching from the uncomfortable cushions.

But Sam isn't under me anymore and my heart starts racing because I suddenly remember that Van was asleep upstairs when Sam came round and I pray to the lords above that he didn't come down while we were asleep together. I hope he didn't come down while our bodies were intertwined and my face was pressed against Sam's chest. I hope he didn't see the full mug of tea on the coffee table and my bra on the floor beside the fireplace.

I quickly scramble to my feet and run over to the other side of the room to pick up my bra and I stuff it in my pocket before I practically sprint upstairs. I slam my door shut and lean my back against it, letting out deep, fast breaths as I try to think of a million excuses I can use to make it seem like it isn't what it looks like.

But it is exactly what it looks like. I gave into the feeling in my heart and I ignored the voice in my head telling me to stop. We took it too far and didn't think about the consequences. We didn't think about what would happen after, how we'd feel or what we'd say. We just did it anyway and even though it was euphoric, it shouldn't have happened at all.

We were both emotional and we just didn't think.

I hear a knock on my door after a few minutes and I stand up and back away from the door, shaking my hands at the side of my body to prepare myself for the conversation I'm about to have.

But Van isn't the one stood behind the door. Sam is leaning against the stair banister, and he looks up at me when I emerge from my bedroom. I thought he'd gone home. I thought he woke up and realised what an awful mistake we made and decided to ditch me and leave me in the wreckage.

"I thought you left" I say, almost whispering.

"I was smokin' in the garden" he says in a low, hoarse voice.

"And you didn't invite me?" I laugh and roll my eyes, trying my hardest to make it look like I'm not on the verge of keeling over in embarrassment.

"Sorry" he scratches the back of his head, "so... uh... last night... uh-"

"We don't have to do this" I scrunch my face up and shake my head, "we don't have to talk about it"

"I think we should though"

"We have bigger problems than last night, Sam" I deadpan, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Last night is part of that problem" I can tell he's getting cranky now, and it surprises me because I thought he'd be the last person who'd want to talk about this whole mess.

But Sam has never been one to leave things unsolved. He doesn't like holding grudges and falling out with people, whenever we used to get into little arguments he'd always be the first to come back to me and resolve the issue because he feels things on a much deeper level than most other people do.

But this isn't something I thought he'd want to discuss.

"Last night was a mistake" I whisper, looking down at my bare feet. I'm lying to him and to myself. It wasn't a mistake. It was amazing and we both obviously wanted it because he couldn't keep his hands off me and I couldn't pull away from him.

"No it wasn't, Olivia" he shakes his head, "you and I both know that last night was far from a mistake"

He pushes himself off the banister and moves closer to me so that my chest is almost touching his and I can feel his breath on my face and smell the faded cologne on his neck.

My knees start weakening and I can feel the nerves in my body going crazy. My heart is pounding.

I manage to pull myself out of the trance and I turn away and as I start to walk back into my bedroom, he grabs my hand and pulls me back, my breath is knocked out of me from the force of our bodies colliding. He looks down at me with an unreadable look on his face and he closes his eyes for a second.

"I miss you so much" he whispers.

He puts his hands on my cheeks and caresses my face when his thumbs, titling my head up so that we're facing each other directly. I didn't want him to see the tears in my eyes but it's hard to hide that now.

"I'm so sorry" his voice breaks and his bottom lip trembles.

"Me too" I whisper.

He walks me backwards into my bedroom and uses his back to close the door, and then he pulls me into his body, wrapping his arms tight around my shoulders as he rests his head against mine. I snake my arms around his waist and close my eyes against his chest as I listen to his heart beating.

And for the few minutes we spend suffocating against each other's bodies, it feels like we're the only ones in the room. In the world.

But I know it's not going to last forever because Sam is eventually going to go home and I have no idea what's going to happen after today, I don't even know if I want to be with him again. I don't know if I want to risk putting myself through all of that misery again just to keep him in my life. I've always put other people before myself and it's time I start focusing on me for once. I need to know if he's in this for the long haul or if it's going to end in heart break once again.

"Sam..." I whisper against his chest. I don't really know what I'm going to say, I don't know how to approach the conversation.

"Can we just lay down for a while?" He asks between his cries, bringing his hand up to the back of my head and he runs his hand slowly through my hair.

I nod and pull away from him before I make my way towards my bed, pulling the duvet to the bottom to make room for us. When Sam climbs to the wall side, I close the curtains to allow the room to be swallowed by darkness and then I join him in bed. He rests his head on my shoulder and drapes his arm across my stomach, his nose tickles my neck and he lets out soft little breaths that glide over the surface of my skin.

"You don't deserve this, Olivia... you deserve so much more than me" Sam says, his voice vibrating against my collarbone.

I pause for a minute before I reply, letting his words soak into my brain. It makes me wonder if he's only just started thinking like that, if since the break up he began to look at himself as though he doesn't live up to my standards. Or if he's always felt like that, if he's always seen himself as less than. But what he doesn't know is that he is my standard. Forever and ever I will always compare everyone to Sam, because I've never met anyone who makes me feel the way he did.

"Y'know... you were the best thing that ever happened to me, Sam... I never expected our relationship to be sunshine and rainbows because no relationship is... but I have to be honest with you... what you did really fucking hurt me... you knew how much I hated that man and yet you put me in a position where I had to confront him once again, not even two weeks after he hurt me... I'm sorry that I lied to you but I did it for a reason" I confess, trying my best not to start crying because I need to get out what I want to say before it's too late, "but with that being said... it's bullshit that I deserve more than you because Sam... there will never be anyone better... I don't think I'll ever meet someone who even comes close"

I look down and Sam's eyes are closed. I can't tell if he's asleep or if he just doesn't know what to say back to me, but I decide to just let it go. If he didn't hear me, I can live with that. But if he did, I hope he soaks it up and really allows it to seep into his head because it needed to be said, whether he likes it or not. I've spent the best of five months trying to come to terms with how I've been feeling and I still don't quite know how to put it into words, but I tried my best and that's all that matters. He hurt me but I don't hate him. I still think so highly of him, because I know that he doesn't have an malicious bone in his body.

I lay back against the headboard and join Sam in closing my eyes. We didn't really get much sleep last night so I decide to use the next few hours to catch up on some shut-eye.

And when I finally start to drift off, I smile to myself because even though I don't yet feel whole again, I feel so much better than I did a few days ago.