The Way To Steal My Heart

What?!

Jennifer:

I sat down on my sofa and checked the time. 7:28 pm.

"Bob! Hurry up! The Ellen DeGeneres show is coming back on!" I called for my husband. Suddenly, the TV flashes and the Ellen Show logo comes on. Once it clears, Ellen and some actor were finishing up a conversation. Then she stood up and faced the audience.

"Let's thank Andrew for being here everyone!" She shouts, and the whole crowd claps and cheers. After they settle down, she speaks again. "Now let's welcome the Sexiest Redneck in Georgia, Norman Reedus!"

The whole crowd cheers and claps as a strong, rugged looking man comes on stage. He had long, chocolatey brown hair, blue eyes, a little beard, and was wearing a dark blue suit. I'll admit, Ellen was right! He smiled at the audience, and then winked. He sat down in one of Ellen's chairs.

"So, Mister Reedus, how are you tonight?" Ellen asked.

Norman fidgeted. "Well, kinda nervous." He admitted, squirming a little.

"Why?" Ellen asked, looking surprised. "I thought you were used to these?"

"If you don't mind, Ellen, but I'd like my girlfriend to join me. She's a huge fan." Norman said, glancing at the crowd.

"Of course she can!" Ellen exclaimed. "She has an amazing taste in TV show hosts." She joked, causing me and the audience to laugh. "Come on, hon. I wanna see you." Ellen said to the crowd, gesturing.

I turned around. My husband, Bob, was washing the dishes. "Honey! Get in here!" I shouted at him. When I turned around, I gasped.

A girl with chocolate brown hair came onto the stage, and sat down next to Norman. Norman draped his arm over the back of the chair, resting his hand on her shoulder.

Is that her? No, it can't be...is it?

"Well, looks like the Sexiest Redneck in Georgia has finally found a good match!" Ellen exclaimed, smiling at the girl. "What's your name?"

The chocolate haired girl smiled. "Amanda Greene."

"Bob! Get your ass in here right now!" I screamed.

"God dammit, woman! What do you want?" He demanded.

"Your daughter has a boyfriend on the Ellen Show!" I shout back. The next thing I know, Bob runs into the room, eyes wide. I turned my attention back to the TV.

They were laughing about something. Then, after Ellen had calmed down a little, she turned her attention back to Amanda. "Dang It! Well, can I ask you a question? Something that I think everyone will want to know?" She asks. After a couple seconds, Amanda nods. "Is he big?"

The crowd roars with laughter, but Bob and I are shocked into silence. Why would she ask my daughter that?!

Amanda faced the crowd, a smile on her face. "For all of you who are writing fan fictions about Norman or Daryl," she paused, glancing back at Norman. Then she faced the crowd again. "He ain't that big." The crowd roars, and Ellen throws her head back, laughing. Norman gave her a look of shock.

"How the fuck would she know that?!" Bob shouted, glaring at the TV.

Before I could respond, Ellen speaks again. "Well, I'm done writing." She declares, grabbing a stack of papers and throwing them over her head. Amanda and the crowd laugh. "But how could you say that about your boyfriend? You could cushion it." She points out.

Before Amanda could speak, Norman cuts in. "She isn't my girlfriend." The crowd is shocked into silence. I stare at the TV, shocked. At first, I'm relieved. But the look of hurt on her face changed my mind. She whispers something to him, and Ellen looks away, awkwardly. "No, Amanda isn't my girlfriend. I'm not her boyfriend. I don't want to be her boyfriend. And I don't want people to think you're my girlfriend." Norman declared, standing up. The expression on Amanda's face broke my heart.

"Norm..." She chokes. Ellen hands her a Kleenex, and she dabs her eyes. Poor thing. She's getting her heart broken on TV.

"I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!" Bob declared.

"I don't want people to call Amanda my girlfriend." Norman stated, turning to face her. Suddenly, he dropped down to one knee, and pulled a little black velvet box out from his back pocket. "I want them to call her my wife." Amanda's eyes widen, and she stands up, covering her mouth with her hand. "Amanda Jessica Greene, will you marry me?"

My eyes widen as Amanda nods, throwing herself at him. Glancing up at Bob, he has the same expression. He grabs the remote, shutting the TV off.

"Pack your bags! We're going to visit." He declared, storming out.