vent :)

part one I guess idk what to call this

So where do I start...
Oh I know!
Hi everyone!
Today I'll be venting about how much of a terrible and selfish person I am :DD
Ok!
R u ready?
Last chance to turn back!
Ok you asked for it!

So today I had my first kiss.

First three actually.

I didn't enjoy it.
I didn't hate it either.
And I hate that.
The person who kissed my today was my bsf. We've been friends for the past 9 years, and just recently, not even an hour after I had broken up with my bf, he had told me.
Ok I guess..?
The whole thing has me feeling terrible for not returning the Same feelings.
I honestly can't see him more than a friend at all.
My type is obviously the people who'll never like me back ✨✨

It happened 3 years ago, and I'm still screwed up from it.
I think.
3 years ago I finally decided to confess my 2 year long love for my neighbor.
He never got back to me.
He never spoke to me again.
He never even looked at me again.
It embarrasses me to this day.
How could I been so stupid?
To think he'd like me?
Dumb piece of shit me?
You'd think i'd be over this
Hell, even I think I should be over it by now.
Then, right after I told him, covid came and said 'lol no school fo u'
Then I had to deal with this at home.
And you know what I did?
What My dumbass did?
I emailed him through the school email.
Practically spammed him.
Saying I was sorry and we can just be friends if he wants.
Never got a reply
Still ashamed to this day.
I've never felt more miserable in my entire life.
I didn't have a phone.
All I had was my school Chromebook and my shitty 7-year-old tablet that would work when it wanted to.
I wanted to off myself daily.
I'd wake and ask why I hadn't died yet.
I'd go outside and cry until my dad yelled at me for being pathetic.
Fucking asshole.
It's not my fault I wasn't able to see other people like he could.
He'd literally go out with his friends daily.

The best thing about this whole thing was playing Minecraft with my bsf.
We'd get on a zoom call for hours. Our lunch break was an hour long, so we'd just play the entire time.
When I wasn't playing Minecraft, I was watching what was available on the student Chromebook YouTube.

5.10.22

I've really fucked up this time. I told my bsf I didn't like him back. He said it was ok and he wasn't even sure himself that he liked me.
Guess that was a fucking lie.
I found a TikTok earlier titled ' I'm his second choice'.
He's obviously talking about me, and now I feel like complete shit, especially since he was crying during the video.