vent :)

my first kiss.

5/22/22 (neutral/pos?)
(Weeks after last chap)

am i...am i supposed to feel something?

im supposed to, aren't i?

or thats at least what society has taught me through various TikToks.

apparently kissing your best friend is supposed to be this amazing, unforgettable thing.

they got the unforgettable part right.

that was my first kiss, first 3 actually. he kissed 2 times after this.

i didn't feel anything.

i mean i remember his lips being soft but like

nothing.

No flutter in my stomach, no romantic feelings in my head at all.

Well shit if I knew I was going to keep thinking about this moment weeks later I probably wouldn't of told him I was ok with him kissing me.

I honestly thought he meant on the cheek.

Wow so forever I'll remember my first kiss as that one time I let my best friend kiss me because he liked me that way.

I guess I wanted something to change.
I wanted something inside of me to change, to realize ' wow, I really am capable of liking someone who actually likes me back for once'

But nothing changed.
Absolutely nothing.
Why.
Why am I like this.
Why can't I like people who actually like me?
Always gotta crush on the kids who'll never like me back.
Then feel heartbroken an betrayed when then inevitably don't return the same feelings.
If I confess, that is.

I've only confessed once, and it was an absolute mess of emotions.
Considering the fact they never talked to me again after, that it is.

Im a demisexual, I think? Best term I've found that describes me.

I have to have an actual bond with someone before crushing on them.
Makes it hard to connect with people on television, I tell ya.
Especially with my Nana.
She's really nice and supportive both as in LGBTQIA+ and just as my grandma.

We'll have sleepovers occasionally, and we'll mostly end up watching movies.

But whenever a guy, probably 10-20 years older than me, my Nana immediately points at the screen and goes ' isn't he soooo hot?'

For 1, Nana, this man is 10-20 ish years older than me I think It'd be weird to find him attractive.

2, idk. I don't find anyone I don't know particularly 'cute' or 'hot'. People just look like people to me I guess. If I get to know you for awhile, and like you, maybe I'll start to think you're cute. But not this random 27 year old man, Nana.

I think what really makes me like someone is seeing multiple sides of them.
Something about seeing someone act like they're 3 dimensional to me is admirable. Maybe because most of my life I've been surrounded by people who act 2 dimensional. They don't feel..real. someone I feel is 3 dimensional is my English teacher. No, I don't like him like that, that's fucking weird.
I feel like he 3 dimensional by watching him. He shows lots of emotions when he teaches us, and I'll never forget the time when the school principal came marching in with a big-ass spin wheel. My teacher spun it and it landed on tickets to Disneyland. I watched genuine joy form on his face. Then he had to spin again because they were all out of tickets to Disneyland... instead he got book cover art. This time right here, is when I saw it. My teacher looked disappointed but kept a smile up, brushing it off.
Right then, he felt like a real person.
Someone around who could genuinely get hurt.
Someone believable.
This is why he's my favorite teacher. He shows emotions that aren't artificial.

I think that's what I'm drawn to.
People with believable personalities and habits.