Wish I Was Home

Harry

I was sure the little hint I had thrown Louis was enough to make him realize that I had broken up with him because of one person and I hoped that he would come find me and try to work it out. He didn't.

Simon had called me in alone and I went even though I could have had someone go with me I chose to go alone. I figured I hadn't done anything out of the ordinary so I didn't think the meeting would go the way it had gone.

I was so wrong. Simon said a lot during the meeting but it boiled down to Louis and I couldn't be together. I had to break up with him. So I did. Like a good little puppet I broke up with him. I hated myself for doing what Simon had told me to. I figured Louis had felt the same when he had broken up with me. That was the thing, Louis broke up with me but hadn't told me why until months later and when I broke up with him we never discussed why I had done it. He knew why though, of that I was positive.

I loved Louis with everything in me and when he changed the lyric during 18 it hurt deep down in a place only Louis could touch. I took the chance to ask him if I could sleep beside him because I truly needed to be close with him. I hadn't felt his arms around me in ages and I wanted it just one more time. When I told him I would leave him alone I meant it. I would have too had things not gone so wonderfully perfect that night.

Not talking things out was a mistake. In fact I felt we as a band could use better communication. We were all struggling with something. Wether it be sexuality (Louis and me), alcohol (Liam), or choosing not to eat because it was the only thing you are truly in control of (Zayn).

One person seemed truly unaffected by our stardom and that was Niall. The lad was happy all the time. He knew about the struggles we were all facing yet he kept that big smile on his face all the time. It didn't bother me that he was so happy, it made me wanna be more like him. More unaffected.

Management had other plans. They began making Louis and I stand apart, sit apart, do interviews separately, and sometimes they put Louis or me on a separate tour bus with one of the other guys. That was weird.

But one night while Zayn and I rode together on the separate bus we got a chance to talk.

"Are you happy Harry?" He asked me from his bunk. The question came out of nowhere.

"Sometimes I am truly happy," I admitted. "Sometimes I'm not." That was the best answer I had for that question. "Are you happy?"

"No," he said. "When we're on stage I feel happy I guess. Everything seems so out of control the rest of the time. Even on stage it gets chaotic at times."

I knew he meant Liam and Louis. They had began having water fights on stage during our shows and it created a lot of chaos. I didn't mind it too much and sometimes they would pour water on me. Zayn didn't care for the water fights and would often play a mother role with the boys and make them stop.

"Zayn," I said. I knew what I was about to say could go good or it could go horribly wrong but it needed to be said. "You have a problem with food don't you?"

He was quiet for a long time and I heard him sniffle. "I do." He said barely above a whisper.

"How can I help you?" I asked.

"You can't," he told me. "I don't know what to do." He said and I knew he was crying.

I climbed out of my bunk and found he was sitting on the side of his bunk. I hugged him tight. "I can help you." I told him as he cried. "Me and the boys can help you Zayn."

"Louis has been trying," he admitted. "But it's not working. I can control my eating. That's all I'm in control of in my life."

I let go of him and looked in his eyes and said. "We love you Zayn you're like a brother to us and when you hurt we all hurt."

"I know Harry," he told me and wiped his eyes with his hands. "I know. I think maybe I should leave the band."

I was shocked. "No, no," I said. "You can't."

"I need to," he said. "I need to do it for me. You see what a mess it all is. You and Louis can't be together and Liam is drowning himself in alcohol. How long can we go on like this? Liam told me himself this will kill him if he keeps going on."

Liam had told me the same thing. The band, the schedule, the tours, recording, interviews, and never getting downtime was torture. They worked us like dogs. Our management was in control of every aspect of our lives. So I understood where Zayn was coming from. He could control his eating and that was it. Liam could drink his worries away. Louis and I had no escape. We were so deeply closeted that we couldn't even laugh with each other before management stepped in.

"What will you do?" I asked him.

"I don't know," he said and I believed him. He just needed to go.

Zayn never said when he was going. I knew him leaving would hurt Louis more than anyone else. He and Louis were best friends and had been since the beginning. I knew how much Louis loved Zayn. He had been his other person for a long time.

"Will you tell Lou before you go?" I asked him.

"I don't know that either," he answered. "He can talk me into anything and I guarantee he would be able to talk me into staying and I can't stay Harry. I can't let him talk me into it."

He was right. Louis was persuasive and had a way about him to make you want to do what he said. He weighed the pros and cons with you. He talked in his gentle voice to you. He always let you know how much he cared about you. That was one of the many reasons I loved him.

"It's gonna hurt him if you go without saying goodbye to him," I told him.

"Yes," he nodded. "I know it will. I've gotta be selfish Harry. I've gotta do what's best for me and not what's best for the band anymore. Im sorry."

"Ok," I said and climbed back into my bunk. "Just so you know we will miss you."

"And I'll miss you guys," he said. "Goodnight Harry."

"Goodnight Zayn," I said.

I had a feeling that was mine and Zayn's last time traveling together. I knew he had made up his mind to go. It bothered me and I knew I would miss him. But, Louis would miss him the most.