Wish I Was Home

Louis

After Harry left I spent the day locked in my room. I had never been so depressed after he left. Of course, he had never told me he didn't love me either. Those four words hurt more than anything.

I didn't hear from him again for a week and he only called to speak to Freddie, not me. I didn't blame him for being so angry with me.

"Louis," Lottie sighed as I cried to her days later. "Damnit. Why do you two keep doing this stupid shit? Why does one of you always have to fuck it up?"

"Maybe we've been fighting most of our lives for something that was never meant to be." I said wiping my eyes with my shirt.

"That's not at all true," she said. "You've been fighting most of your lives because you let others make the decisions in your relationship. You both have always let your management run it all when the whole time it should have been you and Harry making the rules. You seriously think after being the biggest boy band ever that you couldn't make demands?"

She was right. Harry and I held a lot of power but neither of us had ever tried to use it for our relationship.

After Lottie left and Freddie was in bed I sat back on the sofa and scrolled through Twitter with my burner account. How did our fans knows so much about Harry and me? A lot of what was tweeted was true and I had no idea how they knew. The photos of us looking at each other when we were younger were so sweet and innocent. I could see when the changes happened. When we had been pulled apart by management. I watched the "proofs" and seen when my smile went away.

I watched videos of he and I making each other jealous and people saying either he or I had slept on the couch that night. It was funny because we always tried to make each other jealous. It was a game for us. Neither ever slept on the couch though and somehow those jealous moments brought us closer. We had always been a weird couple, ask the lads. They thought we were so strange sometimes.

Ahh the tattoo proofs. When I found them I had to watch the full YouTube video of it.

They started with our bird tattoos. Yes, Harry had covered a love banner with a bird and got a matching one on the other side of his chest. I had gotten the same type of bird on my arm. My first tattoo. Harry had talked me into it.

Over the years we got a lot of tattoos that were matching but not. He got the ship; I got the compass. He got the bird cage; I got the birds. He got the lock; I got the key. He got Hi; and I got Oops. The one that solidified our matching tattoos was none of those it was the simplest one. He got the rose and a year later I got the dagger. We couldn't show our love publicly so we used our bodies to tell the story. Hiding in plain sight.

I didn't sit around and pine for Harry. My life went on. I even went on a couple dates. They weren't good dates because if I'm honest no one measured up to Harry and the love I had for him. I didn't go on dates with males only females.

I did find other guys attractive but I wouldn't do that to Harry. I wouldn't be seen out with a guy unless it was a known friend of mine. I did spend time with Liam and Niall.

I kept Freddie up to date on Harry. I made sure to watch the videos of him on stage before letting Freddie watch since I'd made the mistake of showing him a video and Harry was dancing seductively with a female. Freddie didn't like the video and asked me why dad was dancing with that lady. So, I had to vet the videos so he didn't see anything like that again. I also told him not to tell Harry he had watched his shows. The lad never mentioned it on their calls. He was more interested in "dads adventures" as he had come to call them.

I had full plans of a tour but when Covid hit that plan was put to the side. My album did well and people liked my solo music. My fear was I'd release the album and no one would buy it. I feared the headline Ex boyband member's solo work sucked. But that didn't happen. The loyalty of the fans was unmatched. They promoted my album, the bought my album, and most importantly they listened to my album. My album, not One Direction's album but mine, Louis Tomlinson's album.

They also seen through the lyrics. The Larry organization figured it all out. They knew which songs responded to Harry's songs. They knew Habit was specifically for Harry. They called it the new "Larry anthem". He was indeed the habit that I could not break no matter what.

I decided one night after too many drinks alone that I would call him. He picked up straight away. "Louis?" He asked. He didn't say hello he said my name.

"Hey Harry," I said because I had no idea what I should say to him. I was drunk and vulnerable and downright stupid for calling him and I knew it.

"What's going on?" He asked. His voice showing no emotion.

"Not much," I responded. "Just thought I'd check on you."

"I'm fine Lou," he said. "How are you? How's Freddie?"

"Freddie is good," I told him. "He misses you."

"I miss him too," Harry told me. "Is that why you called?"

"No," I sighed and had to fight my tears. "Harry do you remember the time I disappeared from the show for a couple days?" I hadn't asked if he was busy and able to talk. My drunkenness didn't care if he was busy or not. I needed to talk to him, if he didn't want to talk he could hang up on me. It didn't matter.

"I do," he answered. "But... what about it?"

"I was told my feelings for you were not right, not natural," I paused. "I didn't listen to them. I figured if what I was feeling for you was wrong to them then I really didn't care about them. I loved you then Harry and I knew I did."

"You did?"

"I did," I admitted. "God, Harry I have loved you since I was only eighteen years old. Since the day we met. I loved you."

"And I loved you too," he admitted after a long silence. "You were also my because too, Boobear."

I let the tears fall freely. "I have to go Harry. But, don't forget it was always you. Always." I didn't wait for a response I just clicked the phone off and cried into my hands.

I began publicly dating Eleanor again and Harry began dating Olivia... our hearts belonged to each other but our hands were with women who we would never love.

Harry Styles is ENGAGED!! I read the headline and it hurt somewhere I had never felt pain before. Harry engaged? How would that work? I mean since he was already married?

I was so angry with him when I read it I called my manager and asked him to get me a new phone and number. Harry would not be able to contact me again. I didn't even want him talking to Freddie. My son would not have her as a stepmother. My dislike for her was bordering on hate. I had never hated a living soul in my life but her... I think I hated her.

When my tour began I dropped hints for Harry. I used blue and green lights. I played Larry themed exit songs. I sang 7 on stage! I sang Habit as loudly as I could. I was screaming "I love you Harry Styles!" From the damn rooftops. I declared my love for him over and over thinking it would bring him home and away from that terrible woman. I had changed my number but he knew how to find me. If he truly wanted to he would...

Freddie stayed with one of my sisters while I was on tour and I had Lottie tell Harry how to contact him. I gave strict instructions that Freddie was not to go with Harry and he was absolutely not under any circumstances see Olivia. I wasn't sure if she was a beard or not at that point. But I wouldn't chance my son ever meeting her. Ever!