Emma's Six- Six the Musical

Haus of Holbein

Cleves: Now, seeing as Henry was running out of women to marry in England, he had to look a little further afield. 

"It was because Cromwell wanted a political marriage with Cleves as France and Spain looked like they were ganging up on England!" Anna yells at the TV. 

On-screen, the other queens hurry off-stage, leaving Cleves alone. 

Cleves: He had to change his location settings, so to speak. 

"What does that mean?" Captain Smith asks. 
"Answering that question will lead to more questions," Jane says. 

Cleves: To find our next queen, we're heading to Germany, where he enlisted the help of one Hans Holbein

Cleves whispers the last word, and everyone sits up as the other queens walk on-stage, and the screen grows dark. 

"Why are Will and Emma taking so long? They're going to miss the next song!" Catalina says. 
"Give them time, they will come back when they are ready," Captain Smith replies. 

The on-screen queens turn their backs to the audience. 

Cleves: Welcome to ze Haus
All: To ze Haus of Holbein
Ja!

Everyone oohs and aahs over the ruffs and the sunglasses, but they feel a little jarred after Seymour's song. How did the show go from a sad song to... this? 

All: Ooh ja
Das ist gut
Ooh ja
Ja
The Haus of Holbein

The queens are all laughing at the over-the-top German accents the queens are using. "This sounds like something most of us would do," Anna says. 

Aragon: Hans Holbein goes around the world
Smith-White: Painting all of the beautiful girls
Seymour: From Spain
Howard: To France
Cleves: And Germany
Boleyn: The king chooses one
All: But which one will it be? 

Everyone knows where it is going, but it's fun to imagine all the same. 

Aragon, Boleyn: You bring the corsets

"We didn't have corsets in Tudor England!" Anna yells. "We had stays, but not corsets!"

Seymour, Cleves: We'll bring the cinches
Smith-White: No one wants a waist over nine inches
All except Howard: So what, the makeup contains lead poison? 

"What?!" Everyone but the queens yell. Emma winces and hopes she doesn't wear Tudor makeup in her future. Lead poisoning is not one of the ways she wants to die, thank you very much. 

Howard: At least your complexion will bring all the boys in
All: Ignore the fear and you'll be fine
We'll turn this vier into a nine
So just say "ja" and don't say "nein"
Smith-White: 'Cause now you're in the haus

All: In the Haus of Holbein
Ja
Ooh ja
Das ist gut
Ooh ja
ja
The Haus of Holbein

Everyone is enjoying the song more than they anticipated. 

Boleyn: We must make sure the princesses look straight
When their time comes for a Holbein portrait

Now everyone understands what Boleyn means by "straight", they are able to laugh along with the audience. 

Cleves: We know what all the best inventions are 
To hold everything up
Howard: Ja, it's wunderbar
Aragon: For blonder hair, then you just add a magical ingredient
Seymour: From your bladder

Everyone groans. Did Tudor women really do that?

Smith-White: Try these heels, so high it's naughty
All: But we cannot guarantee that you'll still walk at forty

"Maybe we should focus on the dancing more than the lyrics," Henry says, "we'll be able to enjoy the song more." Everyone agrees and tries to focus on the screen.

All: Ignore the fear and you'll be fine
We'll turn this vier into a nine
So just say "ja" and don't say "nein"
Smith-White: Cause now you're in the haus
All: It's the Haus of Holbein
Ooh ja
Das ist gut 
Ooh ja!

The airhorns take everyone completely by surprise, and Herbert even jumps out of his chair. When he realises it's not an alarm, he settles back down. 

All: Ja!
The Haus of Holbein

"Where the hell are Will and Emma? They already missed one song!" Anna says. 
"You are saying that because your song is next," Herbert says, and Anna nods. 
"But we'll still have to explain what they missed."

Aragon: The time has come to select your bride, Your Highness!
Howard: May we present Christina of Denmark? 
On-screen, Emma represents Christina of Denmark, and stands in the middle of three boxes. 
Seymour: Looking for mates, dates, and a British monarch whom to secure the line of succession, winky-face.

"What does that mean?" Harold asks. 
"I think it's a type of emoji," Anna says. 
"What is an emoji?" 
Anna facepalms. 

"Christina" slides over to the right box and a red light shines over her with a thumbs-down effect playing. 
Boleyn: Nein? Well, never mind, she already made a match with the Duke of Milan.
Cleves: Okay, next!
Smith-White steps down, allowing Howard to take her place. 
Boleyn: Your Highness, may we present Amalia of Cleves?
Smith-White: Just a German girl trying to live the English dream. Hashtag, no Catholics, hashtag, big dowry. 

"What is a hashtag?" Captain Smith asks. 
Everyone wishes that the Titanic officers came through with more understanding of the twenty-first century. They don't want to explain everything throughout the musical. 

Howard steps over to the right box, which also lights up red and a sound effect of a thumbs down plays. 
Aragon: Nein?
Smith-White: Okay! Who's next?
Howard steps down, and Cleves steps up. 

Everyone turns to the real-life Anna. Many of them heard of what Anna's marriage was like, but in history, it was predominantly men who wrote it and judged everyone. Anna rarely talked about her marriage unless it was about the aftermath. Will the musical talk about what her marriage was like?

Howard: Anna! Fantastic! Wunderbar!
Aragon: Your Highness, your highness, your highness! We are honoured to present to you Anna of Cleves!
Boleyn: The most beautiful woman in the Holy Roman Empire!
Smith-White: And let me assure you, Herr Holbein has certainly done her justice. 
The box to the left of Anna lights up green and a thumbs up effect plays. 
Howard: Ah, sehr gut! You will definitely not be disappointed!
Seymour: I can see it now, Henry VIII and his famous four wives.

Everyone laughs. They know just how many wives Henrat had. 

Smith-White: Oh, no need to thank us, the pleasure has been ours-
All: In the Haus of Holbein!
On-screen, all the queens but Cleves leave the stage, but Smith-White stays behind until the music ends. 
Smith-White: The Haus of Holbein. 

"That was the most ridiculous song I've ever heard!" Henry laughs.