Letters to my lover

#5

I just wrote about my trust for you. Saying I would never have the slightest doubt. I feel like I'm boasting a lot. From the start, I said I didn't want to hope, but apparently I was waiting for a message from you. I am truly an unpredictable creature.

Or is it just me acting tough?

I'm small, as you can see. More precisely, I'm short like a middle schooler, full, chubby cheeks. Not only that, I also find it difficult to get along, I have very few friends, and I have never even dreamed of having a line of bridesmaids next to me at my wedding. Basically, I was small and always alone since childhood. I like making friends, I carry myself to make friends, and even I often appear like I'm pushing my friends to grow. Though, it's just a trick, I do want to be seen as strong even though my appearance is very easy to be underestimated. Maybe it's part of my way of defending myself, like a lizard severing its tail when it encounters an enemy, or a squid squirting ink, like me saying "I can do anything" when I can't.

In fact, I'm weak, I've only been able to ride a motorbike for 2 years, when my younger siblings have been driving it since 4 years ago. Especially cars, no matter how many times I've practiced, I always drive like a granny, aka I always forget what to do next. This morning, I talked to my sister, she said since childhood, I am the daughter of Solo. I said, "don't tarnish Putri Solo's words.". Hahaha. I mean, I'm worse than her.

Yes, I admit that I am just pretending like I'm strong, like so tough. Yes, I am small and do not want to be underestimated. Because, no one wants to be underestimated! I don't want you to stick around for pitying me. I don't want you to love me because my cheeks are chubby and adorable.

The first time we had a fight, we almost left each other, until I said "this can't be helped, even though I was attracted to you before, it seems this is the end of our chat.", you immediately replied, "I think you're cute and other things, maybe we can change this." Whoa! You see what I mean, do you want to try it again because I'm cute?

Then, do you remember when we talked again after 3 years we weren't together, "your tears cut the wound in my heart.", that's what you said when you came back to me. Is that the only reason you remember me? Certainly not. But why do you say it like that as if I'm so weak and you feel sad for leaving a small and weak woman like me?

You understand what I mean? You understand why it's been hard for me to express my feelings since then? I act like, 'yeah, no problem', even though I really want to express myself like I used to, even though I've forgotten how. It sucks that I have to bury these feelings for you just because my ego wants to make you understand that I am strong, independent, and brave. "It doesn't matter to me if you're like those ridiculous love movies, it doesn't matter to you not to update me.", so I said. Hahaha what am I doing? why can't I just say it like other women that I find so ridiculous? Argh! I don't know, I'm really annoyed with myself.