Mistakes We Can't Laugh About (Loser #2)

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

After that, nothing was the same again.

Wala akong pinagsabihan ng nangyari. I buried everything in the ground . . . including my feelings.

My performance in the individual quiz bee made me the top student in my batch in BS Psychology for that semester. I was 3 marks ahead of Leon, who came in second. Kahit ramdam ko ang saya ng lahat ng mga kaklase ko para sa akin, hindi ko maiwasang itanong sa sarili kung dapat ko ba talagang matanggap 'yon lalo at alam ko na hindi ako ang pinakamagaling na estudyante.

Ipinaabot ko na lang din kay Zoey ang DSM-5-TR ni Leon. I don't want to get involved with him in any way. Not again. Not ever. Ayoko ng utang na loob sa kanya at mas lalong ayokong makita sa paligid ko ang mga bagay na magpapaalala sa akin na umasa lang ako. Kahit na kasi paulit-ulit kong sinabi sa sarili ko na baka mabait lang talaga siya, I knew deep within me that I secretly hoped we could get somewhere else.

"Hindi n'yo naman ako sinabihan na ganito kahirap ang college!" nakangusong sabi ni Karsen, kasalukuyang nasa unang taon niya sa kolehiyo, bitbit ang makapal na yellow paper kung saan nakasulat ang problem set na kailangan niyang sagutan.

"Do you need my help?" I asked.

"Or my help?" singit ni Mill.

Sumimangot si Karsen sa kanya. "Baka matanggal ang scholarship ko kapag ikaw." She sat next to me. "Hirap ako rito," sabay turo sa isang equation.

It was a good diversion. Working, studying, and hanging out with my friends stop me from thinking about things too much.

Leon and I were back to where we had been before. Hindi nagpapansinan at hindi nag-uusap. I also unfollowed him on Facebook and marked our conversation as spam. It was better that way. Mas mabilis kong malilimutan ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

Sa mga nagdaang buwan, saka ko lang napagtanto na gustong-gusto ko pala siya at doon ko lang din naamin sa sarili kong naging pabaya ako. I became too careful to keep my thoughts guarded, not realizing that I let my emotions go unchecked.

I sheltered my mind, but not my heart.

Sinubukan ko ang lahat para bumalik ako sa dati. Iniwasan ko siya at kahit isang beses ay hindi na tinapunan ng tingin.

I reminded myself of my original goal — to stay at the top.

Having said that, I made sure that every time he would be called to recite, I would raise my hand to recite as well. Every time he would solve a mathematical problem in front of the class, I would make sure to solve another problem, one that was harder.

Slowly, as sure as night and day, I knew I would forget all about him. Na darating ang araw na ang matitira na lang na emosyon ko para sa kanya ay ang kagustuhang matalo siya.

I knew I would forget the little things he did for me in the long run.

I knew I would lose interest at some point.

I knew I'd eventually get over him.

Or so that's what I assumed.

Because months into the second year of college, a myth that was confirmed right in front of my eyes made my feelings for him eventually catch up with me.

"Totoo pala," bulong ni Shaira nang makita namin si Leon kasama ang magandang transferee sa BS Biology.

It was Maria Psyche Alvarado, the new student who caused a stir when rumors began to circulate that she was dating Leon. Mayaman siya, hindi mayamang-mayaman, but she was still a class above us . . . or at least classes above me. She could have afforded a better school, but she chose to study here for a reason I wouldn't have the chance to know . . . I'm assuming it's because of Leon.